Puppy Love

The 1st Layer

mp is all kinds of excited about taking the pea to their first hockey game of the year tomorrow. apparently the pea is excited, too, because after mp told her to dress in layers, she sent this:



"does this count as a layer?"

Evolution

Hef It Out

mp was poking around some old clothes and found a robe that was bought about 3 years ago but was never worn. damn thing still had the tags on it. unfortunately, it was a size s/m. unless s/m means the robe liked to be smacked around a little and have the belt knotted extra tight, mp knew it would never fit. i, being a wise puppy, suggested she see if it was at least close....

it fits! in fact, if it was any bigger, there wouldn't be anywhere to put the extra wrap. of course, mp is now wearing the robe around the house, wondering where all the servants and her smoking jacket went. clearly the butler stole it; butlers are known for that kind of thing. that's right, she got all hugh hefner on me.

except the robe is yellow, and she looks like big bird.

Oh, Sammy

we need you!

Dave, Ziggy, and John

mp's birfday hollywood bowl bash was awesome.
dmb played a great set and celebrated the end of the tour by having john mayer and ziggy marley come out to play. a side note: mp wants to take back anything negative she has ever said about mayer; the guy can rock a guitar like a comet.

A Dream So Real
Two Step
#27
Crush
#34 (really!)
The Idea Of You
Don't Drink the Water
Corn Bread
You Might Die Trying
Eh Hee
Lie In Our Graves
Shotgun
#41 (w/ john mayer)
Warehouse
Exodus (w/ ziggy and stephen marley)
Stay
Encore:
American Baby Intro >
Grey Street

there's a few things missing from the set list, like a really mellow versin of "everyday" that segued into something else, but it's not on the band site, and mp was too lit to be able to place it in context. the set for the night before was spectacular-- and we have a little dmb-envy-- but there's something special about catching the last night of a summer tour.

the pea was relaxed and happy, and didn't mind: taking the bowl shuttle so that the sangria could be free flowing (though, god knows, not free), mp's dancing (which apparently isn't that bad), sneaking into the lower seats, making new friends on the shuttle home, making new friends in the stands, or making out when mp decided that the intro to "american baby" was "obtaining the highest levels of awesomeness and beauty" (see the sangria reference above).

and she gave mp the bestest birfday gifts ever.

What Does $1.67 Buy?

mp has learned that $1.67 can buy happiness.
well, it buys 14 donut holes at winchell's...
which, at 4pm, can induce a sense of attentiveness in seven 10 year old boys...
which makes them more likely to stay on task...
which allows mp to get through her session quickly.
which earns the boys 2 donut holes each...
which signals the end of the session...
which means mp gets to go home...
which leaves the parents with the resulting sugar rush.

$1.67 can, indeed, buy true happiness.

Or I'll Huff, and I'll Puff...

although there are a million things we want,
there is nothing we need.

how can my person possibly not feel like the house will blow down?

she gets to do the most amazing job in the world, where she actually gets to make a difference-- and they pay her for it (always a plus). she is ready to settle down and buy a house. she is less than half the girl she used to be-- but twice the woman (or so i hear; i hope the new house has sound proofing). it's all pretty amazing considering that three years ago she thought she would never be happy. yeah, i said three years, not one.... you were right, g, now shush!

in addition to all this, she has a chickapea that loves the hell out of her but respects the fact that mp doesn't want a committment. the pea is open, and thoughtful, and likes buying little lacy things that she thinks mp might want to see her take off. she pets mp all the time, worries that my person's needs are being met, and happens to have a 'little red riding hood' costume from last halloween (i'm just sayin'). mp didn't know those girls really exist.

my person turns 32 on tuesday. she gets to take her favorite girl to see her favorite live band at her favorite venue. it couldn't have worked out better. everything feels centered and... right. for the first time-- ever-- the foundation is solid.

It's Here! It's Here! It's Here!

the 2007-2008 season has begun!

okay, the ducks dropped the first game to the kings, 4-1.
okay, niedermayer and selanne are both still pondering retirement.
okay, my person gave up her season tickets because of work conflicts.

it's still the best day ever!


thanks to "roochfan20" for putting this together. if you look carefully, you can spot my person and her flavor of the moment in the stands.

Down, Down, Downie

steve downie is "disappointed" with his 20 game suspension, because it will delay his nhl debut.



i'm disappointed, too.
that ass left his feet and aimed for the head of a player who was ineligible to be hit because he didn't have the puck.

yes, i'm disappointed, too, because steve downie should never play in the nhl. period.

Weird Things About MP #1

all of the women my person has dated have had a weird fascination with rubbing her ass.

maybe they're waiting for the genie to pop out.

Poor Chickapea

mp always has the same suggestion for the pea...

CHICKAPEA: argh! i got lost again, then i got a speeding ticket in manhattan.
MP: you should have shown him your boobs.

CHICKAPEA: i broke a heel onstage in front of the entire class.
MP: they wouldn't have even noticed if you'd shown them your boobs.

CHCIKAPEA: my class says i should write a book called "the misadventures of being me."
MP: it can be a pop-up book; just show 'em your....

Who's Hotter?

yeah, poor mp.
she doesn't stand a chance against me.
i have a new harness, a new leash, and a thumpy tail.

the pea, fire girl, and shatner say they prefer my person.

chp, however, shows that she is a dignified woman of refined taste
by acknowledging that i am a very attractive puppy, and i tone down
my innate sexiness so i don't embarrass mp.

Lawn Decorations in the 909

mp wants me to acknowledge that my comments are completely insensitive and offensive.

a-huh.

The 80's Were a Very Confusing Time

i'm not sure what gets me hotter-- the pageboy or the bondage gear.

It All Begins in Three Days

As Straight As It Gets

it takes 20 minutes to straighten it out... and 30 seconds with the pea to get it kinky again. who knew?

don't worry; it's not a hair travesty. the ends fell in this pic because she put her hoodie back on.

Jo: "I'm Licked"

yeah you, are....



this might have something to do with mp begging to go to boarding school.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia

the rumors flying around are that the maureen mccormick book will disclose naughty girl moments she shared with eve plumb. oh, please, god.... let it be true. "marcia, marcia, marcia" will have a whole new meaning for me. of course, i won't be able to scold mp anymore when she goes, "bow-chicka-bow-bow" every time we watch marcia and jan fight.

now, if only we could figure out what was really going on with blair and jo on those cold peaksville nights.... speaking of which, here's a clip of a tv moment that helped mp first realize she lik-a-da ladies. between eve plumb as the hot nun, the blair/jo catfight (notice the way they lean into each other and all the heavy breathing), and the "hunch" speech (yeah-- take the word "nun" out of that convo and see what you get), this way every little polnachek's fantasy.



oh, jo. you needed a spanking with the ruler real bad.

Toy... Boy

since it's been almost seven years since hyundai produced the "gayest commercial of all time," i figured it was high time for another go at the salute to disposable rides.... take that as you will.

Fire Girl. That's Hot.

so, i got another trip to le craterie hotel for the evening when fire girl decided to pay a visit. i like her better than the pea because she lets me stick my tongue in her mouth when i say hello... but the pea buys me gourmet treats and toys. one time, when mp and i went to the pea's house for a little something i call "dinner, a walk, and 'lilly get your nose away from there,'" i ate a cookie with as much mess as possible on the pea's couch and she didn't let mp get mad at me for my lack of manners.

i digress.

fire girl is hot. smoking hot. long legs, defined abs, parents-mortgaged-the-house-for-braces hot....

but i don't think mp is going to be able to play with her anymore, because she can also polish off an entire gallon of ice cream by herself. that's fine for fire girl; mp figures the poor thing must burn 4,000 calories a day. it's just that, well, my person knows her limitations, and being around someone who eats constantly is like saying "make me 400lbs again." it just doesn't work. not for her.

alas, fire girl is also looking for a regular thing, so if you are in the los angeles area and looking for a woman who can cook (best enchiladas ever), axe through a roof, and touch her heels to the back of her head, let me know. my god, she will be missed.

Scat-tered

OKLAHOMA: why can't my puppy be as good as you? i love him, but the little idiot keeps messing in the house, and i don't know why! we've tried all the training book stuff.

CLEOPUPTRA: really. you can't figure out why? could it be, oh, i dunno... revenge?

OKLAHOMA: revenge? we love him! he gets all the best toys, he gets expensive food, he gets...

CLEOPUPTRA: humiliated at the dog park...

OKLAHOMA: he gets no such thing.

CLEOPUPTRA: ahuh. how did you guys ever come up with his name?

OKLAHOMA: oh, it was so adorable! when he first came home with us, he would race around the house and try to get into anything he could. if someone was busy, or trying to read, he would shove aside anything we were holding to get our attention, so we'd tell him, "shoo, puppy! scat!" so cute!

CLEOPUPTRA: yeah. and you can't figure out why the puppy you named "scat" won't stop going in the house?

Happiness

egotastic had a blurb about heather graham's lack of popularity, and frankly, even i had forgotten about her tendency to makeout with girls. of course, it's because it took years to get rid of the thought of her thighs in the spy who shagged me posters. it was an act of self-preservation; i wasn't leaving the house anymore.

oh, puppybation... it's not a past time; it's a lifestyle.

It's a Mystery

scientist are analyzing dna to unravel how a baby chicken could have monkey toes.

Peas Forgive Me

a frozen pea, blown through a large straw, can attain a high rate of speed.
they sting, can leave welts, create a mess, and cost $1.89 for 2,000 rounds.
i apologize to kroger stores, the man wearing shorts without underwear,
and the mother of the 3 year old with the new hobby.

in my own defense, the produce guy started it.

Mean Girls Hide the Booty

nice girls walk the plank.

Spongebob Gets a Makeover

see? it's not just my dork that sings this at random moments.

Technology Public Service Announcement #1

i'm a puppy, and i lick my butt, chase my tail, and eat crickets. to some, this might disqualify me as a resource for pre-purchase technological support. to those this applies to: guess which finger i'm holding up. for those who understand that furry friends can be bastions of good info, i offer my technology purchase public service announcement, aka: "for those about to be royally fucked without a kiss."

today's topic: HDMI cables.

everyone is riding the HDTV wave, and stores are cashing in-- big time. i'll give you my take on t.v.s later; for right now, i want to address the hidden rapist lurking in many electronics stores: cables. there's not a huge mark-up on an lcd or plasma hdtv. however, they take up a lot of floor and warehouse space. to make money, stores sell accessories. they're small, and people need them to hook up the cable box, gaming system, and stereo to the brand-new toy they've just agonized over purchasing.

the agony over making the major purchase is where the store slips consumers a roofie for the unexpected fucking. an lcd tv isn't particularly cheap; once consumers have decided to purchase, the salesman will start his shill about needing the best cables to make sure that the tv gets the great picture they've just paid for. at this point, the buyer is bent over and handing a bottle of lube back so the salesman can quarterback their ass all the way to the checkout by pushing hdmi cables that cost around $100.

i hope they get a kiss with those, because they won't get a clearer picture.

the whole point of digital is that it doesn't require the same level of maintenance as analog. with the old analog signal, picture quality could be noticably poorer with cheap cable. it would take incredibly bad hdmi cables to noticably degrade the picture on a modern hdtv. unless it's over 15 feet or so, pretty much any $15 HDMI cable will give you the same quality picture as a $140 cable (like those sold under a certain "scary" brand). if you feel like letting a salesman get his jollies in your back pocket, go ahead and pad the bottom line. otherwise, hit up the local discount retailer, drop $15-30 on cables that don't come in a fancy package, and tell 'em a firm handshake will do.

Weave In

"sometimes the best way to throw a punch is to take a step back."

Arrrgh

MP: wanna play "pirate and the wench"?

CHICKAPEA: i have the perfect outfit for that.


and that, poppets, is why the chickapea gets whatever she wants.

That's Right, Slick

i blame it on the crazy heat...

gallon of costco massage oil: $39.99

slip-n-slide: $12.99

7 adults and a puppy with too much time on their hands: priceless

Good Times

days since aerobed was first inflated: 17

number of times i've jumped on and off: 5,987,420

imaginary waves surfed on airbed, hanging tail: 3,547

numbers of times mp has woken up saying, "lilly, this is not your trampoline:" 49

money well spent.

Pick One. Wheely.

after much debate, the great car caper has settled down, and an internal consensus has been reached.

that's what mp says; in reality, i tell her what to do, and i happen to love our car... so! mp will keep the crv for my nana to use when her car finally dies of old age (it's on life support right now, but she wants to hit 250,000 miles on the same engine before she sends it to a farm in the country to play with other hondas). after the 1 series comes out in the spring, mp will decide between the 135i and the 335i. we appreciate all of your input and support through this ambivalent time. seriously, mp is always like this about buying a new car; it's a testament to the chickapea's high sex drive that she hasn't ditched my person for a less-neurotic model. then again, the pea has a couple of bimmer's of her own, so she gets it.

no. she doesn't.

on the way to the meeting today, mp was following a caravan of future-model cars, all covered in their vinyl padding, flanked by escort trucks. unfortunately, her casual camera was broken in a particularly vicious game of backseat twister, so all she got were lousy camera phone shots.

that doesn't mean she wasn't jumping in her seat like a monkey at what appeared to be ford's response to the matrix and the fit and a large suv that looked like a filled out explorer.



we did try to get a clean shot of the car, but the escort vehicles were flanking it pretty tight and shot-blocking.

Oh, They Grow Up So Fast

my person just did her first "speaker presentation" in a professional capacity. i'm so proud of her. she felt like she left a lot of things out (because she did), but people kept coming up to her congratulating her and telling her they'd learned a lot. dumping a liter of vodka in the water pitcher probably helped, but it was pretty cool nonetheless.

if someone had told mp a year ago that it was the start of the best year of her life, she would have called them a dirty name and (after i washed her mouth out with soap) gone back to moping. i'm still not postive how we got here, though i have an idea... all i know is that somehow we have always gotten what we need.

Across the Universe

nothing's gonna change my world

Oh, Those Wacky Commercials

"if you feel trapped by frequent diarrhea, there's a fast way out..."

i'm just a puppy, but isn't this a little redundant?

Morning Karaoke, #5

"Suite: Judy Blue Eyes"

It's getting to the point
Where I'm no fun anymore
I am sorry.
Sometimes it hurts so badly
I must cry out loud
I am lonely.
I am yours, you are mine,
You are what you are
And you make it hard--

Remember what we've said, and done, and felt
about each other
Oh babe, have mercy.
Don't let the past remind us of what we are not now.
I am not dreaming.
I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are.
And you make it hard--

Tearing yourself away from me now,
You are free and I am crying.
This does not mean I don't love you,
I do, that's forever, and always.
I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are.
And you make it hard--

Something inside is telling me that
I've got your secret. Are you still listening?
Fear is the lock, and laughter the key to your heart.
And I love you.

I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are.
And you make it hard,
And you make it hard--

Friday evening, Sunday in the afternoon,
What have you got to lose?
Tuesday mornin', please be gone I'm tired of you.
Can I tell it like it is? Help me I'm sufferin'.
Listen to me baby--Help me I'm dyin'.
It's my heart that's a-sufferin', it's a dyin'.
That's what I have to lose.
I've got an answer
I'm going to fly away,
What have I got to lose?
Will you come see me Thursdays and Saturdays?
What have you got to lose?

Chestnut brown canary, ruby-throated sparrow.
Sing a song, don't be long.
Thrill me to the marrow.
Voices of the angels, ring around the moonlight.
Asking me, said she so free,
How can you catch the sparrow?

Lacy lilting lady, losing love lamenting,
Change my life, make it right.
Be my lady.

Que linda me la traiga Cuba,
La reina de la Mar Caribe.
Cielo sol no tiene sangre allí,
y que triste que no puedo vaya,
Oh va, oh va, va.

--Stephen Stills

FYI

i learned a few things last night.

first, just because mp calls someone 'my baby chicken,' that does not make them food. i don't get this rule. chicken has always been tasty goodness, but when i bit this chicken, i got sent to my crate.

second, you shouldn't lick your chops every time two people kiss. trying to get your muzzle on up in there is frowned upon too. who knew? i thought it was a group activity.

third, scarves in the bedroom are not for tug-o-war. well, mp says that isn't always true, but she'll tell me when i'm older.

Tickle Me Harder

it's still funny. who knew?

Sometime Taste is All in the Mouth

it's been pretty damn hot around here, so when my person needed to hop into a store for a second, she smuggled me in with her. i love the lbc, because people ignore the occasional fuzzy-muzzle-under-a-hat routine. in whittier... not so much. as we were completing our purchase, a walrus-man (trust me on this one) came up and said "undesirable" animals were not allowed. i couldn't let that shit go. i looked him straight in the face and said, "you stock that and call my person 'undesirable'?"













somewhere, buried in that mess, is a shirt.
i think.

I Have Sinned

well, i haven't sinned. however, in response to the random emails (some prodding, some accusatoy, some with dirty pictures-- thank you, by the way) i will admit it. yes, mp has been slaking off. i've seen the complaints-- all four of them. (seriously, fourth reader, when did you show up? are you the one screwing up my stats?) apparently, my posts have lacked a certain entertainment value lately. my person has been slacking off. i admit it. she's been lazy, and it's because of her that my posts are neither witty nor regular. there's a certain symmetry in that, though, because irregularity is never... oh, wait; yes, it is.

i digress.

at some point, a few months ago, my person became the girl that other girls shop at victoria's secret for. i'm not sure how it happened (although it might, might, have something to do with the fact that mp lost more than two feet in circumference). all i know is that mp says it's bad manners not to tell a girl what you think of her new outfit and that every town needs a tramp. i guess she's out trying to help that poor girl.

Yes, I Like Pina Coladas

don't be acting like you gnomey.

We Bought Tickets, Why?

in her previous life, when mp used to go to concerts and shows, she would look at empty seats scattered around sold-out events and wonder why people would buy tickets and not go.

now she knows.... and it is good.

anyone that wants to be on stand-by for the last half of the bowl season, email us. there's a lot of great stuff coming up that we probably won't be seeing. don't feel too bad for my person; she's doing just fine.

Blah Blah

a "fledgling" is defined as a young bird whose feathers and muscles are newly developed, sometimes only enough to support short hops or flight. fledglings are no longer in the nest, but the birds' parents continue to feed them until they can fly.

that's an awful long definition for such tiny little birds. i, being a wise puppy, put forth my own:

fledgling: (n) good eatin'

Goodbye, Large Human

in an effort to create chaos and give the appearance that he's being proactive, kevin lowe (gm for the edmonton oilers) has been making ridiculously inflated offers for players in the offseason. the offers are ridiculous, because they are at least 30% over market value; the chaos comes from the impact such signings will have on the rest of the league next year, when players start saying, "i scored 43 goals! that guy only scored 24 and he is making 4 million a year!"

lowe will be lucky to keep his job longer than one more season, and it appears that his current moves are being made in the "if i can't have it, no one can" tradition of the jilted everywhere. if he does manage to float along into the 2008-2009 season, he will probably find himself drowning in his own smelly creation. the nhl has a salary cap for a reason; inflating salaries is ridiculous and self-destructive. put your mouth on the dotted line and blow away, little man; blow until your lungs explode.

the sabres took the bait and re-signed vanek; they had to. other general managers need to sit back and throw the hand brake. we love dustin penner. we've written about him, talked about him, and (once, after too much beer) drooled on him. he deserves more money. he is an outstanding physical presence with skill and smarts. if penner was to receive a reasonable offer, it would be around $5 million for three years-- maybe $6 million. kevin lowe offered penner $21.25 million for five years.

we love penner; the ducks love penner; the fans love penner.... and that is why we have to let him go.

if the ducks resign him at this over-inflated price (last year was his first full season in the nhl), it is entirely possible that the negative effects will be felt in the nhl for years-- further crippling a league that isn't exactly thriving. penner will understand; his love of the game is what got him past the thousands of stop signs that tried to convince him that he wasn't good enough to play pro hockey. the ducks should say "no. no, thank you" to matching the offer sheet, thank penner for everything he has contributed to the ducks, and wish him luck.

penner can then laugh his way to the bank and recognize that he will be making $4 million dollars a year to play a game he loves, because some desperate suit thought he could continue to force other teams to make bad decisions rather than make sound ones of his own. by not matching such a ridiculous offer, the ducks might throw up a dam against the flood of crap lowe has tried to bury the nhl in.

thank you, large human. we'll still cheer for you when you come to town.

I Got Nothing

the pea's birfday is next week, and mp keeps asking for my opinion on what to get her. no matter what i suggest, it isn't good enough. "no, miz lilly, puppy cannoli isn't a good way to say 'happy birfday; thanks for letting me touch your special spots.' " clearly, mp doesn't know what she's talking about. for two of those, i'd let a tabby cat touch me. mp says it should be a little more mature.... she's already taking the pea to a show that night, but missa missa chickapea does little stuff for her all the time-- even though mp tells her not to. last saturday, there was a wrapped copy of harry potter waiting by the bed. hey! wait a second; it's not chocolate and pantyhose, but...

i'm gonna go have a talk with mp and try to find out what she really does for a living. in the meantime, if you have any suggestions about what she should get the pea, drop me a line. if it's good, i'll totally present the idea to my person like i came up with it all by myself, but it'll get me off of cookie restriction (something about being a smartass puppy when i told her to get the pea a nicer collar).

Kinga Da Castle, Kinga Da Castle

it looks like it's gonna be official. my person is going to have to buy a place ahead of schedule. i don't mind so much. sure, it'll cut down on my wiskers take-out, but i get my own room! at least, i do if my person knows what's good for her. the good news is that my person is fussy as hell and will only take the house that fits us. the bad news is that she can fix anything, so she'll probably try to convince me to let her buy something that requires a home depot card. then again, the chickapea is extremely handy and likes do-it-yourself projects; maybe this will get them to stop making out on the couch all the time.

Veritas Aequitas

even when things are golden, it's important to polish and maintain them.

Fucking Chipmunks

it was okay that theodore was a chubby chipmunk. he was also the naive-bordering-on-stupid one. coincidence?








my puppy self can over-look that transgression, but how anyone excuse the chipettes?













eleanore had to be fat, because theodore needed a hot-chipmunk-love-partner, and he could never get a britney.

luckily, tmz is always good for a reminder that britneys don't always stay hot. sometimes, they can't even get a theodore.

Bad Homo

sometimes my person gets terribly out of line. the chickapea can handle most of it; i think she's got mp pretty well trained.... however, there are times when mp needs a little discipline. i suggested that the pea make her write standards.

"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.
"take off your clothes" is not foreplay.

Healthy...

startlingly, amazingly healthy.

Chicks Dig Me

"Listen... Do You Want to Know a Secret?

do you promise not to tell?
closer. let me whisper in your ear..."

my person loves bitchy women.
she loves them like fish love water--
like greg loved marsha when the lights were out.

when a high-maintenance, type-a, obnoxiously-driven woman snaps her fingers, my person rolls over like a log in the water at the hillbilly olympics.

this morning, we walked over to petsmart after we grabbed a little breakfast. as we were moseying around, sharing a yogurt, a hot girl walked up to us and said, "oh, my god. i can't believe you're using the same spoon! that is so gross." then she bent down, cupped my face and said, "oh, puppy, you don't know where her mouth has been? do you? do you? no, you don't!" then she looked at mp: "but i have a pretty good idea."

next thing i know, i'm holding the leash, and my person is doing tricks for treats.
she is so embarrassing sometimes.

"Throw, Damn You!"

mp finally found her pimptress! we had looked everywhere: under pillows, in trees, at the gym, in all sorts of women's bedrooms... "nope; no pimptress here." my person is a giver, and she'll take one for the team when necessary. it turns out that pimptress has been on the run from the law and holed-up in el paso. she grew a handlebar mustache and now answers to the name "chaco."

that didn't stop the 17 year old celebrating his birthday at the bowling alley from hitting on her last night. he fetched a ball for her, set up our names, and then proceeded to give up his best, sweetie-pie self. later, he used the "you guys come here a lot" line on mp. it was adorable. he was one step away from becoming jacques, ready to grab pimptress-marge and ask her to brunch. "You'd love it, It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal!"


to make pimptress feel better, mp let her win. anything you hear about my person having "her ass handed to her" is exaggerated and an attempt by right-wing conservatives to undermine her authority. that's her story, and she's sticking to it.

Thursdays with Chickapea

at least she appreciates my person's inner child.
if she appreciated it any more, i'd be forced to call cps.

It's Contagious!

iCandy

click it. oh, please, click it.

Independent

tonight, we sat on the beach, a girl in mp's lap, and watched the sky light up. long beach out-did itself; happy faces in the sky and happy faces in the sand. it was one of the best 4th of july celebrations, ever. once again, i had to listen to mp chattering on about how disgustingly happy she is. makes me wanna go chew a hole in her socks, but i love her, so i just wag my tail and smile.

The Flip

as summer begins to heat up, and my cornchip puppiness begins to really kick in, i'm happy to say that everything is still going amazingly well for mp. it's true that i don't see her enough monday through thursday, but she always gives me most of the weekend. even better, she spends the time she doesn't give to me with the chickapea. i really love that girl; she knows where all the great gourmet puppy treats come from. last week's specials were barklava, puppanoli, and paddywaggins.

it's so nice to know that mp will be coming home at 3 or 4 sunday morning, panties in one hand, a bag of snacks for me in the other. it's true, i am pimping her out in a way... but my person doesn't seem to mind. in fact, i don't think i've seen her happier. ever. it's partly because of her professional strides; it's partly because she's just generally happy these days. but, it would be foolish not to acknowledge that some of the smiles come from time with the pea.

my person, for the last 7 years or so, has been in the terrible habit of putting the emotional and physical needs of others above her own. neither one of us is sure how it happened. we tried to make a flow chart, but it turns out that we both suck at microsoft excel. then we tried to write a timeline on paper, but we ran out of glitter pens. i guess, for now, it will remain a mystery, and mp will just have to accept all the attention she gets from the chickapea without knowing how she got there.

the flip is intense. sometimes my person is a little freaked out about having someone who is all about making sure mp is happy. it's overwhelming and flattering in turns. mp doesn't get why the pea feels this way-- or why it's so electric when they're together.

sometimes the mystery makes everything better.

You, uh, Lik-a Romantica?

Thank You, Jiggy

this puppy is all wagging tail, twitching whiskers, and floppy ears over the resigning of js giguere. my person was afraid that jiggy would go into free agency and cash in on the current goal-tending drought. i never doubted his loyalty. sometimes, puppies know best.

Na-Na-Nah Nah-Nah-Nah!

pimp-tress has a girl-friend.
pimp-tress has a girl-friend.

of course, the girlfriend comes with the entire cast of a telenovella.

From the Corner

when mp wished her papa a happy father's day, she talked with him for a while about her job, sharing the little details he was curious about. as they spoke, she realized that he was proud of what she did. he tells their extended family, his friends, and anyone who will listen about it. after all the school my person endured, the set backs, the time off she took in her mid-twenties to be a fuck-up... after all that, my person has the most amazing job--ever-- and she has the potential to be great at it. papa never really got past the 4th grade in school, and most of his memories are of standing in the corner as punishment for not being good enough. after a lifetime of working with his hands, of watching people with "authority" from the outside, he has really embraced mp's new position in life. being able to tell people "my grand daughter is a ______________" gives him a sense of pride and accomplishment. since he was the father figure in mp's life, i think he deserves it, and we are proud to be able to give that to him.

I Might Lick My Ass, but You Need a Mint

my person is reasonably tolerant of the occasional hygiene faux pax. once in a while, right guard goes left, breath is not so much "crest" as tumbled over a cliff, and starbucks stains happen-- not to her, of course. when she encounters the victims of these random acts of olfactory violence, she tries to remember that these are good people that are just a little down on their luck of the irish (spring).

having said that, she has asked me to send out a special message of care and concern to someone she sees daily:

stop eating out of the kitty litter box.

Mumbles

sometimes, in the funny doorway that leads to sleep, the convoluted makes sense. oh, sure, it's also where puppies can fly, mountains speak, and the sky is a purple swirl, but that half-conscious place is where fear doesn't shove marbles into the mouth of truth. it's also a dangerous place to be when someone is asking you questions, because they'll get an honest answer-- like it or not. when the pea slid next to mp in that doorway, she fished for something; later, mp realized she didn't really mind being caught.

Straight Boy Nightmare

this is one of the funniest things i've seen in a long time.
i laughed so hard, my tail got a cramp.

"you never make 'em touch!"

watch this with the sound turned on.

Tranquilo

after mp's stroll-n-savor through the girls of southern california, i think she's ready to begin the process of calming down. oh, not that way! my person is still not interested in getting boxed in again; after all, the first part of "settling down" is settling. ...but she's ready to offer a little more to the ones that matter and stop dallying so much with the ones that don't.

"Like a Cholo Dressed up for Easter"

go see knocked up.
go now.

I Think that Sea Lion is Checking Me Out

as soon as mp gets some time off-- from work and being a tramp-- i'll force her at sharp whisker-point to post some video from san diego.

then again, since i'm not in it, why would anyone care?

Who Knew?

she called. after too many days of phone checks, chp finally called mp.
my person was just wrapping up at work, so she invited chp to join her at pimpy's. (really, you're no one to mp if she hasn't taken you to pimpy's.) as they sat there, mp ran through her checklist:

still bitchy?
check.
hot without the uniform?
check.
decent sense of humor?
check. (okay, half a check...)

but as mp sat there, half listening to chp, she realized that chp would sleep with her-- in the swinging monkey way, not the pillow top mattress way. and while mp was definitely interested (chp's boobs were surprisingly robust without her vest), she really wanted to be with the chickapea. yeah. i know; it surprised the hell out of me, too. after a while, mp excused herself and headed home to mull over what it might be like if she offered the pea... more.

Oompa...

when mp woke up this morning, she was excited to see that the morning news had been replaced by willy wonka. then, just as we began to sing, she looked closer. that was no oompa loompa! that was dallas raines. the guy is orange-- no need to exaggerate, ted turnerized, technicolored, orange-- and perpetually hunkers down like he's straining in the bush. it's a little scary.

Public Service Announcement

tonight, on a very special cleopuptra...

PIMPTRESS: hung over?

MP: a little. i think i walked home in my chonies.

PIMPTRESS: oh, my god. you should not be drinking by yourself. you become a reckless tramp when you drink.

MP: i got to meet my neighbor. it's too bad that's the first time we've ever really spoken.

PIMPTRESS: do you remember your thoughts on the pea last night?

MP: no. but i think i told somebody "i love fucking you bestest" around 2 this morning.

PIMPTRESS: you were contemplating committing to her.

MP: oh. that would be bad, seeing as how i just played "wontcha be my neighbor."

PIMPTRESS: tramp.

MP: i think i might want to be committed to someone again... eventually. just not right now.

PIMPTRESS: yesterday you seemed kind of okay with the idea. take the risk!

MP: yeah, i probably was okay with it. then i got naked across the street. i doubt missa chickapea is okay with that kind of thing.

PIMPTRESS: yeah, but to each their own. was sex with your neighbor special?

MP: no. but the gingerbread man sharpied on my ass is.

The Great Sangria Experiment aka Love Thy Neighbor

after returning from her san diego adventures with the chickapea, mp was feeling restless. everything went well down south-- maybe too well. all of a sudden, my person was thinking about the "what ifs." what if mp just hopped on the straight bandwagon and settled for meaningless acceptance? what if she offered the pea exclusivity? what if she committed? it was getting ugly. contributing to the problem? the great sangria experiment.

see, mp is less than half the girl she used to be. in order to keep it that way, she's ha to modify a lot of things-- and alcohol intake is one of them. however, she started talking to the woman across the street about the power of a glass of good sangria, music, and dancing. it should be noted that mp has not really spoken to the woman at all in the years they've been neighbors. how did this conversation start? the woman pointed to the pink chucks that pimptress hates and said, "nice shoes."

hmmm. i'm a sheltered puppy, but i think that may have been a play on "nice shoes; wanna fuck?" then again, she may have just been tossing out a little sarcasm, because, well, the shoes are pink. since mp and neighbor girl were both lit an hour later, the world may never know.

the recipe went something like this:

two cans of Hansens Diet Tangerine Lime soda
one bottle of 2 Buck Chuck cabernet
one sliced apple
about one can diet Sunkist soda (more for a sweeter drink)

it sounds absolutely foul-- but it tasted fabulous! so fabulous in fact, that after neighbor girl and mp got drunk enough, they played a few games of strip candyland.

i'm pretty sure neighbor girl was cheating, because she always seemed to be heading for lollipop woods before mp even made it to the gumdrop pass. before you could say, "i'm lord licorice, here to spank lolly in front of king candy," mp had to keep taking things off. luckily, mp has always been a good loser.

The Happy Camper

it turns out, is not so happy.
somebody get that girl a nap- stat!

ah, well, mp has too much on her plate as it is.

chp watch, day three: no call as of yet, but we're not losing hope.

Hockey Dating 101

"Aren't you afrai of rejection?"
"You are crazy!"
"How do you know if they're gay or not?"
"Have you no shame?"

my person gets a lot of comments about her personal dating style these days. most people express amazement at what they perceive as fearlessness. some are just curious about how to fine-tune gaydar. others are looking for tips.

there's no secret.
mp has taken a hockey-style approach to dating:
throw a lot of shots at the goal, and eventually something will go in.

mp, for all her self-effacing humor, is decent looking, intelligent, funnier than a sharp stick, comes with great eyes and a goofy smile, and has a job that chicks totally dig. (if you don't know all of this already, don't worry-- she'll tell you.) when she sees something she likes, she busts out with amazing pick-up lines such as, "hey. i like you. wanna go out?"

it's the most outrageous approach to dating ever-- but my person just barely pulls it off.

Old School Love

my person's love for the ducks has endured seasons when they couldn't buy a goal.

here's her 24" 'wild wing' from the early days.



























wild wing flying a 'fowl towel' from the '97 playoffs.


























yup. my person's a total dork.
it's part of her charm.

Ducks Won! Ducks Won!

teemu finally got his cup!

Seriously

FLIGHTY: why is your blog only about dating, sex, hockey, and music?

MP: what the fuck else is there?

Selanne Magic

the ducks play for the cup tonight at 5pm. in hockey time, that means a 5:09 start.
apparently, mp lives on hockey time, but i digress....

my person has been a ducks fan since october of '93, back when they sucked. my god, did they suck... but mp loved her team, so she kept the faith. for years, she loved watching guy in the net, paul and teemu create magic, and rooch play his earnest style. when the ducks traded teemu in that bullshit move for a handfull of inadequate sharks (mp is always too hard on friesen), mp stopped going to games for a season and a half, in protest.

teemu is magic-- not just because of his amazing skill on the ice, but because of all he does off it. when teemu and paul reunited in colorado, everyone hoped they could create the same glorious chemistry they had in anaheim (not from love of the avs, but love of the game), but the season was a bust. teemu had knee issues; in deference to a great player, paul's issues will be left alone. during the lockout a couple of seasons ago, teemu had knee surgery and plenty of time to recouperate; he came back to the ducks on a very low-salary deal in orer to play in the city he considers his home. after proving he still has mad skills, he returned this season, still playing for millions less than he could have gotten somewhere else.

teemu is magic-- he brings a level of pride, class, and determination with him. he gives rhythm and heart to the ducks. teemu is the most dynamic player in hockey. there are others that may be more prolific in the media, because southern california hockey is shunned in most places, but if teemu played in detroit or toronto, he'd be a household name. instead, he plays here, loyal to the fans that adore him.

teemu is magic-- and i have my whiskers crossed, hoping to see him skate with the cup he was meant to lift.

Slutty or Just Friendly?

mp and pimptress were contemplating mp's level of, uh, friendliness and her complete lack of interest in settling down when mp opened her mac to check mail. the first article on the aol page was clearly a sign that my person is meant to keep sharing her joy with others. this explains everything.

Lights and the Siren

super girl needed to give my person some work-stuff, because every once in a while it's mp's turn to save the day. on her way, mp's high speed sing-a-long was interuppted by a red light in the rearview mirror. At first, mp moved over one lane and hoped for the best. the light moved with her. one "oh, fuck" and several "damnits" later, she was parked on the side of the freeway, waiting for the officer to get out of his car. when he did, he had breasts, a snarl, and shiny brown hair tossed in a bun.

CHP: good afternoon, ma'am. do you know the reason i pulled you over?

MP: uhmm.

CHP: you were driving 82 miles an hour; the legal speed limitation on this stretch of freeway is 65. i need to see your license, registration, and proof of insurance.

MP: uhmm. okay.

now, my person is usually articulate, but the combination of stern-teacher/hot girl/uniform fried her brain. my person refuses to date cops. regardless, she's broken this rule twice in the last year; they were both fucking crazy, reminding her again of why she doesn't date cops. despite this, as soon as the officer began walking back to her car with mp's license, mp was grabbing the lipstick and making sure her eyes were looking their greenest. my person loves distinctive women, and this one had... something. i'm beginning to think pimpress is right: mp is a tramp.

COP: okay, everything's clear, but you do need to slow down....

MP: can you please write me the ticket so that i can ask you out?

CHP: excuse me?

MP: can you please write me the ticket? as soon as you do, i'm going to hit on you. i'm going to flirt with you shamelessly, and then i'm going to ask you out- but i can't do that when there's any chance that you'll think it's to get out of a speeding ticket. so... write me the ticket, and get ready for the worst pick-up lines in history.

CHP: uh. aren't you going to say you weren't speeding?

MP: oh, no. i was speeding. in fact, i know i'm going way too fast right now, but sometimes there's no other way to get to where you want to be.

CHP: sign here, please.

MP: okay. here? this is not a ticket.

CHP: what makes you think i'm gay? do you think only lesbians become peace officers?

MP: i don't know if you're gay. i want to take you out, so i really only care about whether you like me.

CHP: sign here please. i will accept a phone number in lieu of a signature.

my person is making me nuts, checking her phone every half hour, but i can't really blame her. after all, there's something mesmerizing about the call of a siren.

Can We Keep Her?

i'm a very smart puppy, so i know that it takes a special girl to go with mp to watch a game on the jumbotron with a couple thousand other dorks. she even thought it was kind of sweet when mp yelled "that's bulls--t!" (if you watched the game, you know what this refers to.) she offered to share food with mp at dinner. (yes, you read that correctly, they made it to their second dinner in over two months of dating.) and, later, she didn't mind when mp drooled on her shoulder (just a little bit)....

Because It's Worth It, #2

the darth-stewie / herbert-won-kenobie fight at the 3:40 remaining mark is priceless.

¿Quién lo Hubiera Pensado?

fire girl has inroduced mp to a whole new experience.
in the past, mp might have expressed a lack of enthusiasm...
ok, reluctance... ok, ok-- horror, at what transpired.

now, she just thinks it's the hottest thing possible,
and she plans to try it with every girl she comes across.
look out, chickapea! behind you!

ducks Ducks DUCKS

come out to honda center tomorrow and watch game 3.
it's free admission, free parking, and a freakin' good time.

Ah, Memories

anyone remember why this design is hysterically funny?
if you don't (or just want the hot pics) google "cheerleaders bathroom news."
it still brings tears of joy to mp's eyes.