Public Mastication

obscene? or simply a good way to prevent choking?

a few years ago, mp went out with "the model." the model wasn't particularly great looking (as most models aren't), but she was filled with this earnest anxiety about being liked and respected by everyone. the way she tried to get there was by trying to wear the passions and interests of the people around her.

she was a sweet girl... the way candy corn is sweet-- cloying and disgusting after having too much. mp doesn't remember much about their date. what's left is a series of images and sounds that no longer fit together in any particular order....

except the moment when the model leaned across the table and critiqued something someone else said by proudly stating, "god. what a 'malaproperism.' "

Show Me What You Workin' With

It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This
i may have to make mp look into a new happy dance.

9 Months In

...and out.

Cruisin' Gear

pimptress sent us this idea.



i can see it now... rollin' down 2nd st, mp carrying a leash in one hand and her overnight bag in the other.

Brazilian Hockey

the ducks have a home-and-home this weekend. they really, really need to win, or some poor lady at stark waxing is going to have to pull all the hair off mp's ass... uh, again. on the other hand, if the ducks pick up 4 points, babydick is getting his sack waxed. either way, someone at stark is getting a giggle.

why can't she have normal friends?

The Press

mp was talking to tits mcgee earlier, because, well, a day without tits is a sad day indeed.

mp was telling her that she only wanted the couch makeout these days. that feeling of heat and softness that can still be obtained carelessly because there is a layer of jeans between fun and committment. why can't everyone enjoy the freedom of a casual snog on the couch? relish the tangle of legs, the wine taste still on her tongue, the pressing weight of someone spawled across your body.

mp isn't against the press... just the oppressiveness.

when spooning need not lead to forking, why is this an insult? i don't get it, and mp has left more than one couch bewildered and amused. women are a tricky sort, but they are as pushy as men if they feel they are not being pursued hard enough. The thing is, a gentle tangle is the strongest form of pursuit in mp-style. movement that doesn't leave an mp-shaped hole in the nearest wall is progress. life has a soundtrack; if we try to dance too fast, we look ridiculous.

tits said mp sounds like the yimmy; he wonders why they don't makeout in the car, on the couch. she told him these things only happen in the beginning; ike turner had been the same way. maybe that's why mp always untangles herself, before it gets too complicated, and makes her way home. the press is just too damn good.

but how much press can we take before we are dry?

Happy Birfday to ME!

when mp comes back from her "thing," she promise i get cake and beer!

Lucky Bitch

i love my person, and she loves me-- even though i sometimes put my muzzle inside of her mouth while she is sleeping.
she says it's disgusting, but i like it....

anyway. i told mp tonight that she is a lucky bitch.
ever since she got rid of the garbage in her life, the good things haven't stopped happening.
every opportunity she could have possibly hope for has come to her...
and she is thankful.

i'm thankful, too, because my gourmet cookie bar addiction isn't cheap.
my birfday is tomorrow. just like i thought, bitch has a date (why do the potentials keep doing it to themselves?), but she promised to bring me something very special.

what? i admit it; i can be bought.

What Would We Do Without Galaxy Glue?

like all children in the 80's, mp saw the incredible shrinking woman way too many times. most of these viewings took place when she was out for a weekend with the disneyland dad. there was usually pizza and root beer at this weird western-themed place called nickelodeon. it was the 909, so it probably seemed pretty normal at that time.

anyway, after she read something on holyshit's myspace that mentioned galaxy glue, she happened to stumble across the movie playing on cable. two weeks after the tivo-ing, when she finally got around to watching it, mp was struck by what an amazing force of will it required to watch that movie without going "yeah, right" in her head.

oh, it wasn't because of the shrinking woman thing. it was watching lily tomlin makeout with a man.

Everybody Wants a Box of Chocolates

it's really a damn shame that leonard cohen is so under-appreciated. he really is a fucking genius. one of mp's favorite songs is hallelujah. no matter if it's jeff buckley or john cale, it's beautiful. oh... jeff buckley. there's a sun that was meant to rise.

anyway, in honor of valentine's day, which is my 5th birfday (send all gifts of cash and treats care of mp), i've decided to share "everybody knows." i think what makes cohen so amazing is the dark sweetness that stay rawly sexual even as it lulls you into complacency. it's also wicked funny once you have some life experience, and (just as in life) the beauty is often painted with deadpan delivery at the end.

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
That's how it goes
Everybody knows


Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died


Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long stem rose
Everybody knows


Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you've been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you've been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows


Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows


Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows


And everybody knows that it's now or never
Everybody knows that it's me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
Ah when you've done a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows


And everybody knows that the Plague is coming
Everybody knows that it's moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past
Everybody knows the scene is dead
But there's gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows


And everybody knows that you're in trouble
Everybody knows what you've been through
From the bloody cross on top of Calvary
To the beach of Malibu
Everybody knows it's coming apart
Take one last look at this Sacred Heart
Before it blows
And everybody knows


Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows


Oh everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows


Everybody knows

Huh

a guy named "bucky bush" may have been involved in something illegal.
this surprises people?
really?

"I Like Boobs" and Other Things Best Not Blurted

so, mp had another date last night. yeah, shocking. i got to spend yet another evening at home, watching grey's anatomy and eating snausages out of the can. i swear, those delicious little treats go straight to my thighs....

anyway, the hot lesbian purse was very nice, extremely intelligent, creative, funny, and happy. this, of course, meant hlp was treated to mp's nervous-talking thing. apparently, hlp thought it was hilarious and only added to mp's charm. after the coffee hour(s), hlp suggested the mosey. mp contained herself, but inside she was doing a monkey dance; the girl just loves a good mosey. they found one of the last pay phones in existence.

the bathroom tiles surrounding it, combined with the suspicious puddle on the ground lead me to think that someone confused this with a vegas suite.

now, g tells mp that she should quit while she's ahead; "leave em wanting more." he hates the fact that mp allows her coffee meetings to roll into full-on dates. really, he should just be impressed that mp finds hot girls that think her inadvertant stand-up comedy routine is appealing. seriously, up until this point, hlp had been treated to a gigglefest--complete with shadow puppets. everything was on the table, because mp is painfully honest. and... it doesn't take much to see that train wreck coming.

three and a half hours later, mp blurted out, "i like boobs," to the very... uh, big-hearted... hlp.

it's hard to capture the timing and explain how out-there this was. slow motion replay: mp's look of horror, the balloon of hlp's cheeks, the knowledge that mp would be getting a well-deserved shower... but hlp managed to swallow what she was drinking before she declared that to be the funniest shit anyone's ever said to her. clearly, she will change her mind after a few more mp-adventures. after mp walked her to her car, she told hlp about the amazing date survey. hlp practically woke up the neighbors... but she loved the idea and agreed to fill one out. her suggestion is that mp continues her dating adventures with a tape recorder in her pocket so that she can transcribe the shit that comes out of her mouth after and make a career change.

i hope lp sticks around and becomes a friend; she's good for mp. my person smiles a lot these days, and lp could keep up with every grin. even better, she's totally okay with the occassional lack of eye contact-- and never once said, "uh, i'm up here."

The Most Incredible Day...

i will write about it later. for now, i'll just say that mp had the most incredible day ever.

Two-Timing Gap

every time i get email from the gap or new york & company, i feel my whiskers twitch in anticipation of savings. lately, however, my emails from the gap have left me feeling empty and feeling used. it turns out that they've been emailing my friends, too. the emails that say "just for you," the ones that make me feel special in my furry place... those are being sent to others.

the special relationship i thought we had has been violated as gap has been spreading their coupons to anyone who would open their wallets. damn, you, gap! when you said it was just for me, i thought your emailing-heart was true.

i don't know that i will ever feel the same about gap. the emails now just remind me that they come from a retail tramp.

Another Weekend, Another New Discovery

last saturday night taught mp a few things.

#1- a lot of people don't mind sharing meals if you ask them. she got into the habit of doing this with ike turner after they agreed that the average dinner out was enough food for 3 people. mp hesitated to ask dates to do this, but has found that a lot of people (once you have been out a few times) are open to this. especially if they're paying.

#2- when there is food that tempts you on the table, you can point at a man and say, "eat this before my ass gets bigger just by looking at it." they totally will; doesn't matter what it is. women... not so much. but men are great for that kind of thing. of course, women look a lot better sitting across the table. it's a conundrum.

#3- mp is officially cute enough to make friends with a group of marines waiting in line for the improv. they didn't even look twice at her ass... except when they start asking, "so... are you serious about the date you brought? wanna sit with us?" when the date came back, things got a little awkward. especially since the ripped, 5'8, 200# one was encouraging her to feel his chest/back/arms. but, really, when someone works that hard on themselves, shouldn't we all give them a pat on the... anyway, the mildly offended date was mollified when the boys sprung for a few shots; i guess it doesn't take much.

next time, maybe mp can be traded for chocolates and some pantyhose.

#4- i like breasts. i'm just sayin'.

#5- mp has lost about half of herself. that is incredible-- and we have decided against putting up posters offering a reward for the other half. we'll just let it go at this point. now if she could just get the top half and the bottom half to kind of coordinate. maybe it will happen in the next 40 pounds or so. unfortunately, by then, mp may have the chest of a 10 year old boy....
_________________

The Emperor of Ice Cream

Call the roller of big cigars,
The muscular one, and bid him whip
In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.
Let the wenches dawdle in such dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring flowers in last month's newspapers.
Let be be finale of seem.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

Take from the dresser of deal.
Lacking the three glass knobs, that sheet
On which she embroidered fantails once
And spread it so as to cover her face.
If her horny feet protrude, they come
To show how cold she is, and dumb.
Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

--Wallace Stevens