Yo-Ho, Yo-Ho

PIMPTRESS: you whore.
MP: how am i a whore?
PIMPTRESS: i don't know, but you are.
MP: oh. ok. wait... what?
PIMPTRESS: you only go so far-- but you do it with everyone! that makes you a whore.
MP: i think i prefer to be a ho. after all, i don't put out. well...
PIMPTRESS: that's true. because you're not the same as the whore.
MP: she's not the whore, she's a whore.
PIMPTRESS: good point. the whore indicates some kind of status.
MP: exactly.
PIMPTRESS: you're still a ho.
MP: i know.

Oh, the Blurting

MP: wow.
CHICKAPEA: thank you.
MP: these are spectacular.
CHICKAPEA: they aren't that great.
MP: no. they really are.
CHICKAPEA: you think so? thank you.
MP: no, no. thank you. hmm...
CHICKAPEA: hmmm?
MP: you're amazing... are these o.e.m. or after market?

The Three M's

during another "half-assed date," as mp joking refers to them, she told the chickapea that all they do when they go out are the three m's. clearly there's some validity in this, because the chickapea immediately responded, "meet, mosey, and makeout?" it should also be said that they were moseying at the time-- and headed for a makeout.

Nothing Like a Little Girl-On-Girl

mp went with the pimptress to see hot fuzz. she liked it even more the second time, but that could be because she actually got to see all of it. the problem was the rest of the audience members were, well... dumb. british humor tends to be very dry and rely upon the basic assumption that audiences are articulate and quick-witted.

this was not that audience.

there were moments when mp and pimptress looked at each other and held back laughter-- because they would have been the only people in the theater laughing. it was a damn shame.... it also made mp realize how nice it is to hang out with the chickapea who often surprises mp with her quick wit. although, sometimes i think that when mp says "quick wit" she means "large breasts."

Oh, Sammy

our adoration for sammy pahlsson only continues to grow as the ducks work their magic in the playoffs. mp's still hetero-crushin' (and she has now come around on the whole porn-star thing). teemu needs a ring. sammy needs a selke.

five down, eleven to go.

Addendum

for the record, mp is never disrespectful to the women she takes out, save extreme circumstances.

in her defense, she has taken g.u. girl to really cool things: hockey games, nice dinners, this show, etc. she has never been cheap or expcted anything in return. when they got to the pantages parking area, mp parked and began to pull out money for the attendant. g.u. girl, reached for her money and handed mp some bills. mp said, "no, no... i have it" (as she always does, even though she really appreciates it when people offer). g.u. girl replied, "It's just my half."

seriously. the woman couldn't spring for the other four dollars? mp strongly feels that if you offer to go dutch for parking, you are no longer on a date.

Wicked, Wicked, Wicked

TITS MCGEE: so, whatcha do last night?

MP: not much. saw wicked-- it was amazing. but... i broke it off with the g.u. girl-- and picked up the woman sitting next to me, which totally makes me an ass.

a few weeks ago, mp asked g.u. girl to go with her to see wicked. normally, she wouldn't ask that far in advance, but it seemed polite to give notice in case her date, you know, has a life. mp liked g.u. girl well enough at that point, and she figured that they would have a good time. the problems, of course, came from g.u. girl getting all weird and atached and the growing affection mp feels for the chickapea.

despite mp's candid talks with g.u. girl, she got the feeling that they were one step away from "why-didn't-you-call-me town," and that little village is a tourist trap along the highway to dating hell. after many, many admonishments from the pimptress (who explained to mp that g.u. girl was saying/doing whatever it took to keep mp around) to break it off, she realized that pimplette does know best. the problem was that g.u. girl was already into the idea of seeing the play, and mp knew it would be an asshole move to uninvite her.

so, they went. after fending off the inevitable advances for a while, mp just put it out there and gave the "it's-not-you-it's-me-let's-be-friends-i'm-kind-of-falling-for-
someone-else" combo. g.u. girl's reply: why can't we still make out?

oh. dear. god.

the flashing curtain light has never been so welcome. as they got seated, mp (who is far more confident and outgoing than she has ever been) began chatting casually with the attractive woman next to her. it turns out that new york girl, now living in l.a., had been forced to attend alone because she could only score a single ticket online (there were absolutely no empty seats). they spoke about the theater itself, the play, new york, the vast leg room offered at the pantages....



mp did try to include g.u. girl in the conversation, but g.u. girl began acting rather... possessive and neanderthalic. she complained that the woman was too chatty. mp, who believes there is never an excuse for bad manners, smiled at new york girl, and said, "it got a little weird, didn't it." by intermission, mp's coat was being shared across three laps. by the end of the play, new york girl was tracing the bones in mp's wrist underneath the coat.

yeah. my person is an ass.

she'll never call new york girl, because it's just not a good idea. it's... it's just... it's just not. and then there's the chickapea, and my poor, emotionally stunted person doesn't know what to do with that... but she knows better than to add a new complication. well. she knows better now.

The Return of Voldemort

MP: (rubbing her forehead) my scar's really been hurting the last couple of days.
PIMPTRESS: ike turner must be near.

we love her.
no matter how awesome things are, the real pimptress always shines through.

Do You See What I See?

there! in the shadows.
it is the most elusive creature known to los angeles:
lesbius non-commiticus....

very special.
very dangerous.

let's poke it with a stick.

Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me

this is what vegetarians use to keep the young'uns toeing the tofu line.
is there any doubt, after looking at this scary bastard, why mp is afraid of clowns?

What They Want

throughout mp's life, people have always assumed that she would be the aggressor in romantic relationships. in reality, mp is about as aggressive as a stoned cat lying in the sun. she's never, ever been the one to make the first move. fear of rejection? probably. performance anxiety? yeah, throw some of that in, too. mp's always been a little slow in that area-- and she's always let others dictate the speed at which things progress.

for example, when ike turner met mp, ike got up, turned off the lights, closed the blinds, and announced that the hardest thing was deciding who was going to make the first move. then she made some moves. mp, of course, was somewhere between terrified and "hey, where's my parade!"

after giving a lot of thought to the situation, my person realized that women are most attracted to her confidence and humor, and those qualities need to extend beyond the dinner-and-a-movie point. in a theroux moment, mp tried on this coat, and she found it to be well-fitted... and very flattering. my person has come into her own.

Tell Me Something Good

GU: what are you doing?
MP: i think you should take this off.

5 minutes later

GU: are you going to call me?
MP: what?
GU: I just want to know. if you might not call me, i want to know....
MP: I might not call you.

30 minutes later.

GU: are you seriously not going to call me?
MP: are you seriously asking me this now?
GU: I don't want to say or do the wrong thing, but i think i might be falling...
MP: oh, fuck, not you, too.

45 minutes later

GU: mmmm. the survey was right. you are good at this.

15 minutes later

GU: okay, wait. what? what do you mean, "not you, too."
MP: we talked about this. i...
GU: i know, you don't want a relationship, and you're looking to cement
your status as god's gift to women.

3 minutes later

GU: i'm not saying i want a relationship. i just want to know if you are going to call me.
MP: i'll call you.
GU: oh, don't give me that look... it makes me want to do bad things.

45 minutes later

GU: what are you going to say?
MP: are you happy?
GU: yes.
MP: are you comfortable?
GU: oh, yes.
MP: can you please stop talking?
GU: mmm. i can do that.

20 minutes later

GU: how long do you think it will be before you call me?

The MP-Shaped Hole

everything was right with mp's world last night.
this morning, missa missa chickapea danced around the l word.

as i watched the sun rise through the brand-new, mp-shaped hole in the wall, i wondered why women have to fuck stuff up like this. mp is an elusive animal and best handled carefully. she can smell one drop of committment in a gallon of watery "i'm-okay-with-just-having-a-good-time."

as she got ready to bolt, clark kent and wonder girl came to the rescue. as they provdided the appropriate lines, mp started to think aout it. and she admitted to herself that the thoughts the chickapea expressed were things that she had acknowledged were a possibility on her end....

that was enough to send her running to the homo-exchange and sign up for a wednesday night with g.u. girl...
but she also realized that it will only go as fast as she lets it.
and, as the pimptress pointed out, there might be something really good there.

uh, besides the boobs.

Concupiscent

why doesn't mp "go for it" with the chickapea?

well, i'd have to say it's because mp is happy with everything the way it is right now. she's having a great time dating, and she's not in a hurry to get involved in anything serious. to sum it up: my person will go for it-- as long as she can still "go for it" with other people.

but she's never experienced anything this... concupiscent.

Update

the online exorcism so didn't work...
now, ask me about the roll of duct tape.

*** mp has fielded a few emails wanting to know where the pictures from "Wow" were taken. it's the santa monica pier and 3rd st promenade. i hear it's fun there, but i wouldn't personally know, since mp keeps ditching me for one potential after another.

Thank You

82 games.
110 points.

Who's Got Crabs?

mp and pimptress went to joe's crab shack. crappy food but fun balloon animals... followed by blades of glory. crappy movie but fun spandex. who says these things don't work out? mp felt a little bad because her phone was getting a lot of action for a friday night, but pimptress declared herself "not possessive and weird," so mp got to handle her line-up without too many issues. god love the pimptress. it's a great friend who laughs and says, "you whore," when ditched for a few minutes to do roster maintenance.

mp loves her pimptress, because when she does stupid stuff (like asking a stranger, "can i take a picture of your monkey?"), the pimptress just smiles and figures it's part of mp's charm. well, she say's it's also a reason to medicate mp and a reason she won't go there with mp.... i prefer the charm thing, though.

Damn You

just before mp was about to tell missa missa chickapea, "i'm not sure there's any chemistry" (sometimes followed by "i'm not sure there's not..." when she's trying to feel someone out/up), the chickapea made her move. and everything changed.

i'm not sure what the hell that woman did to my person, but homegirl is a wreck. she can't concentrate, she's showered repeatedly, she's gone for runs.... nothing works. missa missa chickapea broke mp. clearly, the aftermath is mutual, since the chickapea was reduced to incoherent babbling on this morning's voicemail, but mp now faces the tough decisions that she has been pushing off as she merrily dated her way through the alphabet.

poor geographically undesirable girl may end up the recipient of unleashed sexual frustration tomorrow. then again, i doubt g.u. girl will consider this a negative. i, on the other hand, have the decency to stay home and lick my own ass rather than try to get some poor girl to do it for me.

Oh. My. God.

the best massage therapist in the world is located 3 miles from us-- and she works for reasonable rates.
even better? she does pups. oh, not like that. get your mind out of the gutter. lupe, i love you. i will give you everything i own-- even mp. she's yours. just, please.... come touch me again.

I Hate the Wind

... but i like being a sun doggy.

The Line-Up

pimptress needed to clarify a few things with mp, so here's the current rotation:

leading off, with a few quirky moments and hours of phone time: missa missa chickapea
batting second, with a .750 average and a killer sense of humor: geographically undesirable girl
third at the plate, still in her rookie season: mocha latina
and batting clean-up, with potential for a home run: the cinnamon girl

mp reserves the right to substitute but will never acknowledge the designated hitter rule, because that's just bullshit (and needy). there's something about mp that people like when she's feeling good in her own skin. i think she forgot that for a while.

By Request...

mp has heard some interesting things in her recent dating. "i'm a sucker for green eyes" has been blurted by more than one potential; maybe they all read the same book of pick-up lines. then again, maybe it's just because mp's eyes are more note-worthy now that she has less face. she has also been accused of using her grin to say entirely inappropriate, wildly suggestive things with no reprocussions other than a giggle from the recipient.

the cinnamon girl says that she can't think of a time she's seen mp not smiling; mp thinks it's because the cinnamon girl favors low-cut shirts and is very, very gifted. very gifted.

so... for you, a picture of the famous "grrry face."