Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
So Whatcha-Whatcha-Whatcha Want?
previously, on the homolife...
PIMPTRESS: so, how was your date with the potential?
MP: great, actually. she's a fantastic girl. she dug the hockey game.
she says coffee with me is definitely not overrated--so there!
PIMPTRESS: good! wait, which one was this again?
MP: the one that is geographically undesireable.
PIMPTRESS: oh. are you going to see her again?
MP: i think so. but i told her i wouldn't do the drive. she's nice though. i thought
it was a little needy when she said she would do all the driving. and she asked
if we could go out again before i even dropped her off.
PIMPTRESS: you're so weird. she likes you. is she fat? i know you like the chubby girls....
MP: no. she's average. it's a damn shame.
PIMPTRESS: hmm... what about missa missa chickapea?
MP: she comes back thursday, so we're going out thursday night.
PIMPTRESS: what exactly do you want? i mean, what are you looking for?
MP: a playmate. playmates.... i'm happy. i mean, i do what i love for a living;
i like me again for the first time in years; i smile constantly, and i'm
having a good time. i don't want anything major.
PIMPTRESS: uh. that's hard to get with women. most women want a relationship.
MP: yeah. but i'm a happy (mp) and i feel it's my duty to share my joy with as
many women as possible. i must spread the love.
PIMPTRESS: uh. yeah. you're doing a great job.
MP: love... thighs... whatever.
...after dinner
PIMPTRESS: oh, my god! did my girlfriend send you a picture of her ass?!
PIMPTRESS: so, how was your date with the potential?
MP: great, actually. she's a fantastic girl. she dug the hockey game.
she says coffee with me is definitely not overrated--so there!
PIMPTRESS: good! wait, which one was this again?
MP: the one that is geographically undesireable.
PIMPTRESS: oh. are you going to see her again?
MP: i think so. but i told her i wouldn't do the drive. she's nice though. i thought
it was a little needy when she said she would do all the driving. and she asked
if we could go out again before i even dropped her off.
PIMPTRESS: you're so weird. she likes you. is she fat? i know you like the chubby girls....
MP: no. she's average. it's a damn shame.
PIMPTRESS: hmm... what about missa missa chickapea?
MP: she comes back thursday, so we're going out thursday night.
PIMPTRESS: what exactly do you want? i mean, what are you looking for?
MP: a playmate. playmates.... i'm happy. i mean, i do what i love for a living;
i like me again for the first time in years; i smile constantly, and i'm
having a good time. i don't want anything major.
PIMPTRESS: uh. that's hard to get with women. most women want a relationship.
MP: yeah. but i'm a happy (mp) and i feel it's my duty to share my joy with as
many women as possible. i must spread the love.
PIMPTRESS: uh. yeah. you're doing a great job.
MP: love... thighs... whatever.
...after dinner
PIMPTRESS: oh, my god! did my girlfriend send you a picture of her ass?!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Charmed
sometimes, people tell mp she lives a charmed life. given the recent past, it makes sense that she occassionally looks at these people like they must be telling her she's the way to tell one wine glass from another. maybe she's charmed in the sense that people shouldn't drink from her, or they will sleep for 100 years. (uh, mp wants me to insert a note to the driver, missa missa chickapea, shorty, and all future potentials: "that is so not true.") anyway...
tuesday morning, mp met llama girl at a local starbucks so that she could pass along "the box." the box is basically a collection of c&r books, theory, study guides, recordings, class notes, etc, that have been passed down from grad class to grad class. mp no longer needed it, but the llama did, so it was time for the box to leave the happy honda-condo it had been calling home. (tragic, really, since it had begun picking out curtains with a tube of neutrogena hand cream in the cargo area. i'm glad for them; it took a lot to get over the handcream's moment of indescretion with the leather jacket.) when the llama saw mp, she exclaimed, "you look great! it's not just the weight-- you just look really fantastic!"
mp, of course, thanked her automatically. then she realized that the compliment was totally sincere. after all, the llama had seen mp just a couple of months before.... she realized that the complete happiness she felt inside was now visible everywhere. mp bounced into a job she loves more than she ever thought possible, has settled into a rythmn with her body, and finally acknowledges the power of the panty-dropping smile.
and it's good. it's really, really fucking good.
every day is filled with joy, contentment, new adventure, passion, gratitude, and love. she wakes up at 5am with a smile on her face, because she can't wait for the day to start. she irons her clothes after dealing with the delicious agony of choosing an outfit-- and she is happy to do it. (not to mention, she can steam-press like nobody's business these days.) She can actually work her espresso machine, but that doesn't take away the pleasure of walking to starbucks during work hours.
mp is happy, fulfilled, and living every day....
maybe that's what being charmed really means.
tuesday morning, mp met llama girl at a local starbucks so that she could pass along "the box." the box is basically a collection of c&r books, theory, study guides, recordings, class notes, etc, that have been passed down from grad class to grad class. mp no longer needed it, but the llama did, so it was time for the box to leave the happy honda-condo it had been calling home. (tragic, really, since it had begun picking out curtains with a tube of neutrogena hand cream in the cargo area. i'm glad for them; it took a lot to get over the handcream's moment of indescretion with the leather jacket.) when the llama saw mp, she exclaimed, "you look great! it's not just the weight-- you just look really fantastic!"
mp, of course, thanked her automatically. then she realized that the compliment was totally sincere. after all, the llama had seen mp just a couple of months before.... she realized that the complete happiness she felt inside was now visible everywhere. mp bounced into a job she loves more than she ever thought possible, has settled into a rythmn with her body, and finally acknowledges the power of the panty-dropping smile.
and it's good. it's really, really fucking good.
every day is filled with joy, contentment, new adventure, passion, gratitude, and love. she wakes up at 5am with a smile on her face, because she can't wait for the day to start. she irons her clothes after dealing with the delicious agony of choosing an outfit-- and she is happy to do it. (not to mention, she can steam-press like nobody's business these days.) She can actually work her espresso machine, but that doesn't take away the pleasure of walking to starbucks during work hours.
mp is happy, fulfilled, and living every day....
maybe that's what being charmed really means.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Score: Shorty 1
mp usually doesn't like talking on the phone. she does it, because most women demand it. it's sort of like the phone is directly linked to the vagina, and if you wanna play post office, you have to go through the operator first.
there have been a few notable exceptions. the first time she spoke with pimptress, she wore out her cell phone battery; more importantly, she didn't feel the need to shower with a brillo pad afterwards. today, the short one called. now, being geographically undesirable, the short one has been getting a little neglected by mp. let's face it, my person is having a good time flashing her grin and flirting with everything that moves....
but shorty has something. i don't know what it is, but mp spent 2 hours and 45 minutes this afternoon trying to figure it out. in the course of that one call, she made a date, bought tickets online for friday night's activities, and arranged a meeting time and place.
yeah. my person did that.
my person, for whom deciding to do something a day in advance is too much of a committment, pushed way past go on this one. maybe it's the tiny latina thing. maybe it's the fact that they laughed constantly for a couple of hours. maybe it's that missa missa chickapea is on a business trip again. ...maybe it was the way she leaned gently enough to show what she wanted but was careful to let mp know that she would never use enough pressure to break her.
then again, it could just be the great rack.
there have been a few notable exceptions. the first time she spoke with pimptress, she wore out her cell phone battery; more importantly, she didn't feel the need to shower with a brillo pad afterwards. today, the short one called. now, being geographically undesirable, the short one has been getting a little neglected by mp. let's face it, my person is having a good time flashing her grin and flirting with everything that moves....
but shorty has something. i don't know what it is, but mp spent 2 hours and 45 minutes this afternoon trying to figure it out. in the course of that one call, she made a date, bought tickets online for friday night's activities, and arranged a meeting time and place.
yeah. my person did that.
my person, for whom deciding to do something a day in advance is too much of a committment, pushed way past go on this one. maybe it's the tiny latina thing. maybe it's the fact that they laughed constantly for a couple of hours. maybe it's that missa missa chickapea is on a business trip again. ...maybe it was the way she leaned gently enough to show what she wanted but was careful to let mp know that she would never use enough pressure to break her.
then again, it could just be the great rack.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Waterfall
i'm just a puppy, but i'm a puppy that digs music. rembrandt had this semi-cheesy commercial before my birthday that played upon the emotions of people who weren't getting laid. or were, but fucked themselves by making poor decisions. either way, it used griffin house's "waterfall," and it reminded mp of why she loved his work. eventually, he'll play some obscure venues out this way again, and people with glow-in-the-dark smiles will come with their bubble gum-snapping dates to sway to the same song they heard in the commercial.
until that time comes, mp will continue to use waterfall and other songs during her hikes. when she first started going on these marathon moseys through local (and not so local) hills, she kept almost all up-beat music on her player. a few weeks ago, something changed. the shift was imperceptable. there was no moment of awareness in which mp realized that she had begun stretching out her runs with the aid of music so slow that it seemed more appropriate for a junior high dance, but there it was. and sometimes these hikes/jogs become like long meditations. the agony that accompanies every fresh start eventually tapers off into numbness. the numbness is followed by a burst of energy, often with a mild surprise that her body can do these things now.... and after that energy is no longer so fresh and overwhelming, the rythmn of her trail runners slapping dirt, scrub, asphalt, grass, rock, stream, begins to feel dream like.
and slower music on the mp3 keeps the illusion of the dream going far longer than mp ever thought she could go. today, it was 96 degrees on the trail, and it was 4 miles and 64 ounces of water before mp realized that she was somewhere far above the city. alone. as she felt her chest struggle to take in enough air to egin the run back down, she was suddenly aware of the vastness of her clothes. the t-shirts she had bought when they were still far too small to wear were now so big that the soulder caps came half wy down to her elbows; the legth was now past mid thigh. the weigh of them was physically and emotionally exahausting....
but she had worn them because she still didn't feel like she could fit in anything else.
with a laugh, she took off her t shirt and ran down in her sports bra and tank. at some point, we all have to let ourselves off the hook and begin seeing what is real. some of the t-shirts mp packed away this afternoon have a value that cannot be described or even reasonably explained. it's just there, floating below the surface. the thing is, mp is no longer floating. she is pulling away with strokes made powerful by adversity and confident by luck.
but the images will always be available at the end of a long hike, if the desire to see is real. i think i'll miss this t-shirt the most. it's me, you see. and them. but mostly it was peace.
until that time comes, mp will continue to use waterfall and other songs during her hikes. when she first started going on these marathon moseys through local (and not so local) hills, she kept almost all up-beat music on her player. a few weeks ago, something changed. the shift was imperceptable. there was no moment of awareness in which mp realized that she had begun stretching out her runs with the aid of music so slow that it seemed more appropriate for a junior high dance, but there it was. and sometimes these hikes/jogs become like long meditations. the agony that accompanies every fresh start eventually tapers off into numbness. the numbness is followed by a burst of energy, often with a mild surprise that her body can do these things now.... and after that energy is no longer so fresh and overwhelming, the rythmn of her trail runners slapping dirt, scrub, asphalt, grass, rock, stream, begins to feel dream like.
and slower music on the mp3 keeps the illusion of the dream going far longer than mp ever thought she could go. today, it was 96 degrees on the trail, and it was 4 miles and 64 ounces of water before mp realized that she was somewhere far above the city. alone. as she felt her chest struggle to take in enough air to egin the run back down, she was suddenly aware of the vastness of her clothes. the t-shirts she had bought when they were still far too small to wear were now so big that the soulder caps came half wy down to her elbows; the legth was now past mid thigh. the weigh of them was physically and emotionally exahausting....
but she had worn them because she still didn't feel like she could fit in anything else.
with a laugh, she took off her t shirt and ran down in her sports bra and tank. at some point, we all have to let ourselves off the hook and begin seeing what is real. some of the t-shirts mp packed away this afternoon have a value that cannot be described or even reasonably explained. it's just there, floating below the surface. the thing is, mp is no longer floating. she is pulling away with strokes made powerful by adversity and confident by luck.
but the images will always be available at the end of a long hike, if the desire to see is real. i think i'll miss this t-shirt the most. it's me, you see. and them. but mostly it was peace.
Friday, March 09, 2007
The Mullet, The Driver, and Em-Pee
friends don't let friends rock mullets. in fact, a true friend would get a mullet-wearing buddy fed-ex drunk and then go all britney on her head. it's tough love, but sometimes that is the only way to do right by someone.
in addition to not being able to follow simple directions, social worker 3.5 decided to embrace her inner trailer-dweller. that's right. the girl turned up all business in the front, party in the back. maybe she was just preparing to see clients in the 909 or felt like bringing back a stereotype for spring. either way, mp asked to be seated away from the windows. the first words mp spoke to sw3.5 were, "i need to stop banging social workers, because you're all fucking crazy."
after dining nascar-style, mp was moseying to the local starbucks for her night cruise, uh... cap, when she heard the familiar sounds of $150 flattening out by the second. she pulled over at the nearest available spot, and as she sat across from where she used to live and talked to pimptress, she realized that nothing was bringing her down. the crazy moments in life are all good. every single one of them. she still had fun at dinner (and resisted the urge to chuck the mullet on the arm in goodbye). she laughed when she thought about all the crap that had happened when she lived in the area-- including birthing me. she smiled when the tow truck driver arrived (in only 13 minutes).
...and when the big, dirty work gloves came off, and soft, manicured hands came out to shake goodbye, followed by the unzipping of the top of the baggy jumpsuit, she was even happier. thank god for equal opportunity employment in long beach. later on, mp is going tire shopping with her new friend, and they'll try to figure out what the best way to roll (around) is.
in addition to not being able to follow simple directions, social worker 3.5 decided to embrace her inner trailer-dweller. that's right. the girl turned up all business in the front, party in the back. maybe she was just preparing to see clients in the 909 or felt like bringing back a stereotype for spring. either way, mp asked to be seated away from the windows. the first words mp spoke to sw3.5 were, "i need to stop banging social workers, because you're all fucking crazy."
after dining nascar-style, mp was moseying to the local starbucks for her night cruise, uh... cap, when she heard the familiar sounds of $150 flattening out by the second. she pulled over at the nearest available spot, and as she sat across from where she used to live and talked to pimptress, she realized that nothing was bringing her down. the crazy moments in life are all good. every single one of them. she still had fun at dinner (and resisted the urge to chuck the mullet on the arm in goodbye). she laughed when she thought about all the crap that had happened when she lived in the area-- including birthing me. she smiled when the tow truck driver arrived (in only 13 minutes).
...and when the big, dirty work gloves came off, and soft, manicured hands came out to shake goodbye, followed by the unzipping of the top of the baggy jumpsuit, she was even happier. thank god for equal opportunity employment in long beach. later on, mp is going tire shopping with her new friend, and they'll try to figure out what the best way to roll (around) is.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
How You Like These?
yeah. i know you want em. you want my four furry pads of perfection, don't you? smell the frito-goodness....
seriously, you crazy-ass. give mp back her shoes and get some counseling.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
...And...Scene
oh, that wacky s.a.c.w.g. during a saturday afternoon mosey with tits mcgee, mp finally cleaned house.
then she celebrated by letting pimptress keep her off the poor starbucks girl-- followed by social worker number 3.5, with a dabble of crazy sheriff, and a front seat full of finn. all she needs now is a nap and a tetnus shot.
then she celebrated by letting pimptress keep her off the poor starbucks girl-- followed by social worker number 3.5, with a dabble of crazy sheriff, and a front seat full of finn. all she needs now is a nap and a tetnus shot.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
The Survey
those in the know are aware of "the amazing (mp) date survey." bascally, mp has made light of her voracious dating schedule by sending out a post-date survey to "the potentials." it breaks the ice, lets them know again that there is nothing exclusive, gives mp some genuine feedback, and provides her friends with funny-ass material to read...and, of course, torture mp with afterwards.
The (MP) Take Home Date Improvement Resources Company Presents…
In Conjunction with Babbling Idiot Enterprises…
Rate Your Date with (MP)
This form is intended to be filled-out only upon termination of any/all dating potential with (MP). If you feel you may wish to continue seeing the subject of this survey, please hold onto your comments until such thoughts have passed. As compensation, you will be awarded a smile and (MP's) legal first name. This is a prize. If you remain friends with (MP) post-dating, you have a way to torture her in public.
1. On my date with (MP), I felt:
A. Awkward
B. Comfortable
C. Like I was babysitting
D. Happy
E. Like chewing my arm off
2. (MP) was dressed:
A. Better than a hobo
B. Like she should take style tips from the hobo
C. Okay
D. Appropriately
E. I tried not to notice
3. I felt interested in (MP):
A. From the beginning
B. As a possible candidate for ADD medication
C. Leaving
D. No
E. Yes
4. (MP) let me know where she stood with me:
A. Clearly and consistently
B. So I wouldn’t trip over her
C. By beating her chest and dragging me by my hair
D. About as well as a 2 year old
E. Didn’t come up
5. I would recommend (MP) a friend:
A. Yes
B. With a disclaimer
C. If I found out they had done me wrong
6. Please share a few things you enjoyed about (MP)/or your date:
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
7. Please share a few areas (MP) can improve in:
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
___________________...yeah, you can stop writing now.
8. Quirky stuff like this is:
A. Part of (MP's) charm
B. A reason (MP) should go into therapy
C. A good reason to go out again
D. Anecdote material relating to why I don’t date anymore
E. Just plain weird
Thank you for your input.
Please email your survey to (MP).com
Upon receipt of your answers, you will be compensated.
some highlights from different dates:
6. Please share a few things you enjoyed about (MP) and/or your date:
She never uttered the following phrases “Oh My God!”, “Totally”, or “Can you even believe it?”. I thought it was cute when she tried to pimp me out to pay for dinner. Was she over the limit on her card or just trying to get rid of me?
6. Please share a few things you enjoyed about (MP) and/or your date:
She was a very nice girl. Cute hair! Enjoyed the pre-date phone conversation more.
7. Please share a few areas (MP) can improve in:
Awkward, "I'm going to leave now kthnxbye" and never calling again.
7. Please share a few areas (MP) can improve in:
Your trust issues, your issues with the country music community. Your issues with dating those outside your norm. Mormons and younger women arent all that bad.
6. Please share a few things you enjoyed about (MP) and/or your date:
"I like boobs!!!" Good to know. If I wasn't trying to sleep with you, this would have been a bad moment.
6. Please share a few things you enjoyed about (MP) and/or your date:
I love the way you kiss. Could you please not flirt with the waitress next time?
The (MP) Take Home Date Improvement Resources Company Presents…
In Conjunction with Babbling Idiot Enterprises…
Rate Your Date with (MP)
This form is intended to be filled-out only upon termination of any/all dating potential with (MP). If you feel you may wish to continue seeing the subject of this survey, please hold onto your comments until such thoughts have passed. As compensation, you will be awarded a smile and (MP's) legal first name. This is a prize. If you remain friends with (MP) post-dating, you have a way to torture her in public.
1. On my date with (MP), I felt:
A. Awkward
B. Comfortable
C. Like I was babysitting
D. Happy
E. Like chewing my arm off
2. (MP) was dressed:
A. Better than a hobo
B. Like she should take style tips from the hobo
C. Okay
D. Appropriately
E. I tried not to notice
3. I felt interested in (MP):
A. From the beginning
B. As a possible candidate for ADD medication
C. Leaving
D. No
E. Yes
4. (MP) let me know where she stood with me:
A. Clearly and consistently
B. So I wouldn’t trip over her
C. By beating her chest and dragging me by my hair
D. About as well as a 2 year old
E. Didn’t come up
5. I would recommend (MP) a friend:
A. Yes
B. With a disclaimer
C. If I found out they had done me wrong
6. Please share a few things you enjoyed about (MP)/or your date:
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
7. Please share a few areas (MP) can improve in:
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
___________________...yeah, you can stop writing now.
8. Quirky stuff like this is:
A. Part of (MP's) charm
B. A reason (MP) should go into therapy
C. A good reason to go out again
D. Anecdote material relating to why I don’t date anymore
E. Just plain weird
Thank you for your input.
Please email your survey to (MP).com
Upon receipt of your answers, you will be compensated.
some highlights from different dates:
6. Please share a few things you enjoyed about (MP) and/or your date:
She never uttered the following phrases “Oh My God!”, “Totally”, or “Can you even believe it?”. I thought it was cute when she tried to pimp me out to pay for dinner. Was she over the limit on her card or just trying to get rid of me?
6. Please share a few things you enjoyed about (MP) and/or your date:
She was a very nice girl. Cute hair! Enjoyed the pre-date phone conversation more.
7. Please share a few areas (MP) can improve in:
Awkward, "I'm going to leave now kthnxbye" and never calling again.
7. Please share a few areas (MP) can improve in:
Your trust issues, your issues with the country music community. Your issues with dating those outside your norm. Mormons and younger women arent all that bad.
6. Please share a few things you enjoyed about (MP) and/or your date:
"I like boobs!!!" Good to know. If I wasn't trying to sleep with you, this would have been a bad moment.
6. Please share a few things you enjoyed about (MP) and/or your date:
I love the way you kiss. Could you please not flirt with the waitress next time?
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Public Mastication
obscene? or simply a good way to prevent choking?
a few years ago, mp went out with "the model." the model wasn't particularly great looking (as most models aren't), but she was filled with this earnest anxiety about being liked and respected by everyone. the way she tried to get there was by trying to wear the passions and interests of the people around her.
she was a sweet girl... the way candy corn is sweet-- cloying and disgusting after having too much. mp doesn't remember much about their date. what's left is a series of images and sounds that no longer fit together in any particular order....
except the moment when the model leaned across the table and critiqued something someone else said by proudly stating, "god. what a 'malaproperism.' "
a few years ago, mp went out with "the model." the model wasn't particularly great looking (as most models aren't), but she was filled with this earnest anxiety about being liked and respected by everyone. the way she tried to get there was by trying to wear the passions and interests of the people around her.
she was a sweet girl... the way candy corn is sweet-- cloying and disgusting after having too much. mp doesn't remember much about their date. what's left is a series of images and sounds that no longer fit together in any particular order....
except the moment when the model leaned across the table and critiqued something someone else said by proudly stating, "god. what a 'malaproperism.' "
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Show Me What You Workin' With
It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This
i may have to make mp look into a new happy dance.
i may have to make mp look into a new happy dance.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Cruisin' Gear
pimptress sent us this idea.
i can see it now... rollin' down 2nd st, mp carrying a leash in one hand and her overnight bag in the other.
i can see it now... rollin' down 2nd st, mp carrying a leash in one hand and her overnight bag in the other.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Brazilian Hockey
the ducks have a home-and-home this weekend. they really, really need to win, or some poor lady at stark waxing is going to have to pull all the hair off mp's ass... uh, again. on the other hand, if the ducks pick up 4 points, babydick is getting his sack waxed. either way, someone at stark is getting a giggle.
why can't she have normal friends?
why can't she have normal friends?
The Press
mp was talking to tits mcgee earlier, because, well, a day without tits is a sad day indeed.
mp was telling her that she only wanted the couch makeout these days. that feeling of heat and softness that can still be obtained carelessly because there is a layer of jeans between fun and committment. why can't everyone enjoy the freedom of a casual snog on the couch? relish the tangle of legs, the wine taste still on her tongue, the pressing weight of someone spawled across your body.
mp isn't against the press... just the oppressiveness.
when spooning need not lead to forking, why is this an insult? i don't get it, and mp has left more than one couch bewildered and amused. women are a tricky sort, but they are as pushy as men if they feel they are not being pursued hard enough. The thing is, a gentle tangle is the strongest form of pursuit in mp-style. movement that doesn't leave an mp-shaped hole in the nearest wall is progress. life has a soundtrack; if we try to dance too fast, we look ridiculous.
tits said mp sounds like the yimmy; he wonders why they don't makeout in the car, on the couch. she told him these things only happen in the beginning; ike turner had been the same way. maybe that's why mp always untangles herself, before it gets too complicated, and makes her way home. the press is just too damn good.
but how much press can we take before we are dry?
mp was telling her that she only wanted the couch makeout these days. that feeling of heat and softness that can still be obtained carelessly because there is a layer of jeans between fun and committment. why can't everyone enjoy the freedom of a casual snog on the couch? relish the tangle of legs, the wine taste still on her tongue, the pressing weight of someone spawled across your body.
mp isn't against the press... just the oppressiveness.
when spooning need not lead to forking, why is this an insult? i don't get it, and mp has left more than one couch bewildered and amused. women are a tricky sort, but they are as pushy as men if they feel they are not being pursued hard enough. The thing is, a gentle tangle is the strongest form of pursuit in mp-style. movement that doesn't leave an mp-shaped hole in the nearest wall is progress. life has a soundtrack; if we try to dance too fast, we look ridiculous.
tits said mp sounds like the yimmy; he wonders why they don't makeout in the car, on the couch. she told him these things only happen in the beginning; ike turner had been the same way. maybe that's why mp always untangles herself, before it gets too complicated, and makes her way home. the press is just too damn good.
but how much press can we take before we are dry?
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Lucky Bitch
i love my person, and she loves me-- even though i sometimes put my muzzle inside of her mouth while she is sleeping.
she says it's disgusting, but i like it....
anyway. i told mp tonight that she is a lucky bitch.
ever since she got rid of the garbage in her life, the good things haven't stopped happening.
every opportunity she could have possibly hope for has come to her...
and she is thankful.
i'm thankful, too, because my gourmet cookie bar addiction isn't cheap.
my birfday is tomorrow. just like i thought, bitch has a date (why do the potentials keep doing it to themselves?), but she promised to bring me something very special.
what? i admit it; i can be bought.
she says it's disgusting, but i like it....
anyway. i told mp tonight that she is a lucky bitch.
ever since she got rid of the garbage in her life, the good things haven't stopped happening.
every opportunity she could have possibly hope for has come to her...
and she is thankful.
i'm thankful, too, because my gourmet cookie bar addiction isn't cheap.
my birfday is tomorrow. just like i thought, bitch has a date (why do the potentials keep doing it to themselves?), but she promised to bring me something very special.
what? i admit it; i can be bought.
Friday, February 09, 2007
What Would We Do Without Galaxy Glue?
like all children in the 80's, mp saw the incredible shrinking woman way too many times. most of these viewings took place when she was out for a weekend with the disneyland dad. there was usually pizza and root beer at this weird western-themed place called nickelodeon. it was the 909, so it probably seemed pretty normal at that time.
anyway, after she read something on holyshit's myspace that mentioned galaxy glue, she happened to stumble across the movie playing on cable. two weeks after the tivo-ing, when she finally got around to watching it, mp was struck by what an amazing force of will it required to watch that movie without going "yeah, right" in her head.
oh, it wasn't because of the shrinking woman thing. it was watching lily tomlin makeout with a man.
anyway, after she read something on holyshit's myspace that mentioned galaxy glue, she happened to stumble across the movie playing on cable. two weeks after the tivo-ing, when she finally got around to watching it, mp was struck by what an amazing force of will it required to watch that movie without going "yeah, right" in her head.
oh, it wasn't because of the shrinking woman thing. it was watching lily tomlin makeout with a man.
Everybody Wants a Box of Chocolates
it's really a damn shame that leonard cohen is so under-appreciated. he really is a fucking genius. one of mp's favorite songs is hallelujah. no matter if it's jeff buckley or john cale, it's beautiful. oh... jeff buckley. there's a sun that was meant to rise.
anyway, in honor of valentine's day, which is my 5th birfday (send all gifts of cash and treats care of mp), i've decided to share "everybody knows." i think what makes cohen so amazing is the dark sweetness that stay rawly sexual even as it lulls you into complacency. it's also wicked funny once you have some life experience, and (just as in life) the beauty is often painted with deadpan delivery at the end.
anyway, in honor of valentine's day, which is my 5th birfday (send all gifts of cash and treats care of mp), i've decided to share "everybody knows." i think what makes cohen so amazing is the dark sweetness that stay rawly sexual even as it lulls you into complacency. it's also wicked funny once you have some life experience, and (just as in life) the beauty is often painted with deadpan delivery at the end.
Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died
Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long stem rose
Everybody knows
Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you've been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you've been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
And everybody knows that it's now or never
Everybody knows that it's me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
Ah when you've done a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows
And everybody knows that the Plague is coming
Everybody knows that it's moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past
Everybody knows the scene is dead
But there's gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows
And everybody knows that you're in trouble
Everybody knows what you've been through
From the bloody cross on top of Calvary
To the beach of Malibu
Everybody knows it's coming apart
Take one last look at this Sacred Heart
Before it blows
And everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
Oh everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows
Huh
a guy named "bucky bush" may have been involved in something illegal.
this surprises people?
really?
this surprises people?
really?
"I Like Boobs" and Other Things Best Not Blurted
so, mp had another date last night. yeah, shocking. i got to spend yet another evening at home, watching grey's anatomy and eating snausages out of the can. i swear, those delicious little treats go straight to my thighs....
anyway, the hot lesbian purse was very nice, extremely intelligent, creative, funny, and happy. this, of course, meant hlp was treated to mp's nervous-talking thing. apparently, hlp thought it was hilarious and only added to mp's charm. after the coffee hour(s), hlp suggested the mosey. mp contained herself, but inside she was doing a monkey dance; the girl just loves a good mosey. they found one of the last pay phones in existence.
the bathroom tiles surrounding it, combined with the suspicious puddle on the ground lead me to think that someone confused this with a vegas suite.
now, g tells mp that she should quit while she's ahead; "leave em wanting more." he hates the fact that mp allows her coffee meetings to roll into full-on dates. really, he should just be impressed that mp finds hot girls that think her inadvertant stand-up comedy routine is appealing. seriously, up until this point, hlp had been treated to a gigglefest--complete with shadow puppets. everything was on the table, because mp is painfully honest. and... it doesn't take much to see that train wreck coming.
three and a half hours later, mp blurted out, "i like boobs," to the very... uh, big-hearted... hlp.
it's hard to capture the timing and explain how out-there this was. slow motion replay: mp's look of horror, the balloon of hlp's cheeks, the knowledge that mp would be getting a well-deserved shower... but hlp managed to swallow what she was drinking before she declared that to be the funniest shit anyone's ever said to her. clearly, she will change her mind after a few more mp-adventures. after mp walked her to her car, she told hlp about the amazing date survey. hlp practically woke up the neighbors... but she loved the idea and agreed to fill one out. her suggestion is that mp continues her dating adventures with a tape recorder in her pocket so that she can transcribe the shit that comes out of her mouth after and make a career change.
i hope lp sticks around and becomes a friend; she's good for mp. my person smiles a lot these days, and lp could keep up with every grin. even better, she's totally okay with the occassional lack of eye contact-- and never once said, "uh, i'm up here."
anyway, the hot lesbian purse was very nice, extremely intelligent, creative, funny, and happy. this, of course, meant hlp was treated to mp's nervous-talking thing. apparently, hlp thought it was hilarious and only added to mp's charm. after the coffee hour(s), hlp suggested the mosey. mp contained herself, but inside she was doing a monkey dance; the girl just loves a good mosey. they found one of the last pay phones in existence.
the bathroom tiles surrounding it, combined with the suspicious puddle on the ground lead me to think that someone confused this with a vegas suite.
now, g tells mp that she should quit while she's ahead; "leave em wanting more." he hates the fact that mp allows her coffee meetings to roll into full-on dates. really, he should just be impressed that mp finds hot girls that think her inadvertant stand-up comedy routine is appealing. seriously, up until this point, hlp had been treated to a gigglefest--complete with shadow puppets. everything was on the table, because mp is painfully honest. and... it doesn't take much to see that train wreck coming.
three and a half hours later, mp blurted out, "i like boobs," to the very... uh, big-hearted... hlp.
it's hard to capture the timing and explain how out-there this was. slow motion replay: mp's look of horror, the balloon of hlp's cheeks, the knowledge that mp would be getting a well-deserved shower... but hlp managed to swallow what she was drinking before she declared that to be the funniest shit anyone's ever said to her. clearly, she will change her mind after a few more mp-adventures. after mp walked her to her car, she told hlp about the amazing date survey. hlp practically woke up the neighbors... but she loved the idea and agreed to fill one out. her suggestion is that mp continues her dating adventures with a tape recorder in her pocket so that she can transcribe the shit that comes out of her mouth after and make a career change.
i hope lp sticks around and becomes a friend; she's good for mp. my person smiles a lot these days, and lp could keep up with every grin. even better, she's totally okay with the occassional lack of eye contact-- and never once said, "uh, i'm up here."
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
The Most Incredible Day...
i will write about it later. for now, i'll just say that mp had the most incredible day ever.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Two-Timing Gap
every time i get email from the gap or new york & company, i feel my whiskers twitch in anticipation of savings. lately, however, my emails from the gap have left me feeling empty and feeling used. it turns out that they've been emailing my friends, too. the emails that say "just for you," the ones that make me feel special in my furry place... those are being sent to others.
the special relationship i thought we had has been violated as gap has been spreading their coupons to anyone who would open their wallets. damn, you, gap! when you said it was just for me, i thought your emailing-heart was true.
i don't know that i will ever feel the same about gap. the emails now just remind me that they come from a retail tramp.
the special relationship i thought we had has been violated as gap has been spreading their coupons to anyone who would open their wallets. damn, you, gap! when you said it was just for me, i thought your emailing-heart was true.
i don't know that i will ever feel the same about gap. the emails now just remind me that they come from a retail tramp.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Another Weekend, Another New Discovery
last saturday night taught mp a few things.
#1- a lot of people don't mind sharing meals if you ask them. she got into the habit of doing this with ike turner after they agreed that the average dinner out was enough food for 3 people. mp hesitated to ask dates to do this, but has found that a lot of people (once you have been out a few times) are open to this. especially if they're paying.
#2- when there is food that tempts you on the table, you can point at a man and say, "eat this before my ass gets bigger just by looking at it." they totally will; doesn't matter what it is. women... not so much. but men are great for that kind of thing. of course, women look a lot better sitting across the table. it's a conundrum.
#3- mp is officially cute enough to make friends with a group of marines waiting in line for the improv. they didn't even look twice at her ass... except when they start asking, "so... are you serious about the date you brought? wanna sit with us?" when the date came back, things got a little awkward. especially since the ripped, 5'8, 200# one was encouraging her to feel his chest/back/arms. but, really, when someone works that hard on themselves, shouldn't we all give them a pat on the... anyway, the mildly offended date was mollified when the boys sprung for a few shots; i guess it doesn't take much.
next time, maybe mp can be traded for chocolates and some pantyhose.
#4- i like breasts. i'm just sayin'.
#5- mp has lost about half of herself. that is incredible-- and we have decided against putting up posters offering a reward for the other half. we'll just let it go at this point. now if she could just get the top half and the bottom half to kind of coordinate. maybe it will happen in the next 40 pounds or so. unfortunately, by then, mp may have the chest of a 10 year old boy....
_________________
#1- a lot of people don't mind sharing meals if you ask them. she got into the habit of doing this with ike turner after they agreed that the average dinner out was enough food for 3 people. mp hesitated to ask dates to do this, but has found that a lot of people (once you have been out a few times) are open to this. especially if they're paying.
#2- when there is food that tempts you on the table, you can point at a man and say, "eat this before my ass gets bigger just by looking at it." they totally will; doesn't matter what it is. women... not so much. but men are great for that kind of thing. of course, women look a lot better sitting across the table. it's a conundrum.
#3- mp is officially cute enough to make friends with a group of marines waiting in line for the improv. they didn't even look twice at her ass... except when they start asking, "so... are you serious about the date you brought? wanna sit with us?" when the date came back, things got a little awkward. especially since the ripped, 5'8, 200# one was encouraging her to feel his chest/back/arms. but, really, when someone works that hard on themselves, shouldn't we all give them a pat on the... anyway, the mildly offended date was mollified when the boys sprung for a few shots; i guess it doesn't take much.
next time, maybe mp can be traded for chocolates and some pantyhose.
#4- i like breasts. i'm just sayin'.
#5- mp has lost about half of herself. that is incredible-- and we have decided against putting up posters offering a reward for the other half. we'll just let it go at this point. now if she could just get the top half and the bottom half to kind of coordinate. maybe it will happen in the next 40 pounds or so. unfortunately, by then, mp may have the chest of a 10 year old boy....
_________________
The Emperor of Ice Cream
Call the roller of big cigars,
The muscular one, and bid him whip
In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.
Let the wenches dawdle in such dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring flowers in last month's newspapers.
Let be be finale of seem.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.
Take from the dresser of deal.
Lacking the three glass knobs, that sheet
On which she embroidered fantails once
And spread it so as to cover her face.
If her horny feet protrude, they come
To show how cold she is, and dumb.
Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.
--Wallace Stevens
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Because Things Aren't Complicated Enough...
here comes the red ball again.
it's just... my god, she's beautiful.
Translations
it's amazing how words spoken in a thick, finnish accent can be nearly unintelligible over coffee or walking around....
yet completely clear when spoken against the hollows of a neck.
the simple act of translation can result in awesome kinetic energy.
yet completely clear when spoken against the hollows of a neck.
the simple act of translation can result in awesome kinetic energy.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Paying Homage to Cleopuptra
s.c.w.a.g. came back from new york bearing gifts.
mp got nice leather gloves to keep her paws warm...
and i got a little something for my collar.
it's a smart "potential" (as pimptress calls them all)
that recognizes the power of the puppy.
later, there was rain, dinner, random disco in the middle of citywalk, margaritas, drunken kissing, bobble-head jesus, wind-up toys, hot girls, mariachi, salt-n-peppa part deux, "more than one art," hello kitty, the blockheads, crooked cars, and a chance to... view some etchings.
mp got nice leather gloves to keep her paws warm...
and i got a little something for my collar.
it's a smart "potential" (as pimptress calls them all)
that recognizes the power of the puppy.
later, there was rain, dinner, random disco in the middle of citywalk, margaritas, drunken kissing, bobble-head jesus, wind-up toys, hot girls, mariachi, salt-n-peppa part deux, "more than one art," hello kitty, the blockheads, crooked cars, and a chance to... view some etchings.
Where's My Pimptress?
i'm shaking it for you until you come back to us.
we need our playmate back!
we'll show you our shiny things if you show us yours...
Yeah, Baby
why am i smiling?
jiggy's back in net.
pronger and frenchy are on the blueline.
the stars got spanked.
all is right with the world.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Beauty
"I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up."
"I have lost something. I'm not exactly sure what it is but I know I didn't always feel this... sedated. But you know what? It's never too late to get it back."
"It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself."
"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."
-American Beauty
"I have lost something. I'm not exactly sure what it is but I know I didn't always feel this... sedated. But you know what? It's never too late to get it back."
"It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself."
"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."
-American Beauty
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Mira Ya Viene El Sol
ya, ya, ya viene el sol.
florece se abre
como una bella flor.
calienta mi alma,
y borra mi dolor,
con tu luz traes la vida,
con tu calor das amor.
florece se abre
como una bella flor.
calienta mi alma,
y borra mi dolor,
con tu luz traes la vida,
con tu calor das amor.
Monday, January 22, 2007
8 Months...
92 more pounds...
and a million smiles later.
"I know this obsession with thinness is
unhealthy and anti-feminist, but that's what a fat girl would say!"
--Lisa Simpson
400/300/208/160
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Saturday, January 20, 2007
View My Naked Shame
mp wasn't pleased about me sharing her showeroake song.
she sent nude pictures of me in the bath to roll-it-rover magazine.
i can't believe she sent them to such a smutty rag. puppies use that to paper train, damnit! she could have at least sent them to something classy like playdog or rolling bone. if people are gonna see me without my collar, they are going to see it here first- in arty, tasteful shots.
she sent nude pictures of me in the bath to roll-it-rover magazine.
i can't believe she sent them to such a smutty rag. puppies use that to paper train, damnit! she could have at least sent them to something classy like playdog or rolling bone. if people are gonna see me without my collar, they are going to see it here first- in arty, tasteful shots.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Why...
is my writing so disjointed lately?
since a couple of you have asked, i thought i'd answer here.
i don't have opposable thumbs, you fuckers!
why you gotta make a d.o.g. feel bad?
eh, i'm also pretty busy keeping mp in line, but i'm sure things will be back to "normal" soon. in the meantime, grab a fat tire and watch some hockey-- it'll make you feel better.
oh, yeah. the latina barrista mp picked up on before she and tits mcgee went to see pan's labyrinth finally called. not true. she finally left a message; in actuality, she called about 6 times and hung up. i doubt mp takes her out, since she has already violated the two call rule (you can call and hang up with no message once; after that, either talk or stop fucking dialing). i, however, may take her to costco for a hotdog and hump her leg.
what? homegirl was fine, with a capital dd.
since a couple of you have asked, i thought i'd answer here.
i don't have opposable thumbs, you fuckers!
why you gotta make a d.o.g. feel bad?
eh, i'm also pretty busy keeping mp in line, but i'm sure things will be back to "normal" soon. in the meantime, grab a fat tire and watch some hockey-- it'll make you feel better.
oh, yeah. the latina barrista mp picked up on before she and tits mcgee went to see pan's labyrinth finally called. not true. she finally left a message; in actuality, she called about 6 times and hung up. i doubt mp takes her out, since she has already violated the two call rule (you can call and hang up with no message once; after that, either talk or stop fucking dialing). i, however, may take her to costco for a hotdog and hump her leg.
what? homegirl was fine, with a capital dd.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
He'd Take A Chamber Pot For Her....
a funny thing happened on the way to the honda center. for whatever reason, the topic of why men walk closer to the street than the women they escort came up. apparently, it had something to do with the emptying of chamber pots from windows. s.a.c.w.g. declared he'd take a chamber pot for mp. mp declared that was a one-way deal. he was okay wih it, much like he was ok with it 2 hours later when mp blurted out, "wow! that girl has really big boobs."
in all fairness to my tourette's girl, they did kinda get places way before the rest of her did. i'm just saying.
it was actually a good night. it was fun, relaxed, and uncomplicated.... and we all know how mp is about keeping things uncomplicated. it reminded us, again, that mp deserved a hell of a lot better than what she settled for. it also reminded her that she no longer has to get up in the middle of the cold night to wring out someone's hair and hanging it up to dry... and that people who take stuff like that for granted are at the bottom of the narcissistic barrel. there's a story about this that will be shared later....
a quick note to all of you fly-by mfers that left the game early last night:
at playoff time, you will be the first weasels in line, trying to snatch up tickets because you are "die hard fans."
few things are more annoying than watching people chase the band wagon.
next time they stink it up, sit your fucking asses down and cheer.
our house; our team. good- bad- winning- losing- injured- healthy- tired- energized--
our house; our team.
in all fairness to my tourette's girl, they did kinda get places way before the rest of her did. i'm just saying.
it was actually a good night. it was fun, relaxed, and uncomplicated.... and we all know how mp is about keeping things uncomplicated. it reminded us, again, that mp deserved a hell of a lot better than what she settled for. it also reminded her that she no longer has to get up in the middle of the cold night to wring out someone's hair and hanging it up to dry... and that people who take stuff like that for granted are at the bottom of the narcissistic barrel. there's a story about this that will be shared later....
a quick note to all of you fly-by mfers that left the game early last night:
at playoff time, you will be the first weasels in line, trying to snatch up tickets because you are "die hard fans."
few things are more annoying than watching people chase the band wagon.
next time they stink it up, sit your fucking asses down and cheer.
our house; our team. good- bad- winning- losing- injured- healthy- tired- energized--
our house; our team.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Motherfucking Bunnies
Fantastic Bunny Theater
really, some bunny moments are better than the original.
i particularly support t.c.m., r.h.p.s., and titanic as tributes to shit it's hard to sit through... and hard to move away from. only, bunnyized, they rock. others, like pulp fiction and the big chill are brilliant.
hey, those are some charming motherfucking bunnies.
really, some bunny moments are better than the original.
i particularly support t.c.m., r.h.p.s., and titanic as tributes to shit it's hard to sit through... and hard to move away from. only, bunnyized, they rock. others, like pulp fiction and the big chill are brilliant.
hey, those are some charming motherfucking bunnies.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Tell Me a Story
i always used to ask mp and ike turner to tell me the story of how i was born, how we became a family. the story made me happy because i realized that no matter what, mp would be there for me. even when it's 40 degrees outside and i drank too much water before bed. i won't tell that story here, because it's a private one. but, at night, i ask mp to tell it to me often.
there are lots of stories still being written. i think that's what's weirdest about the last year. the stories are all different; my life is a choose your own adventure these days. i love it.
i can tell lots of stories that i wouldn't have a year ago. i can tell about pimptress' most wonderful pussy and her yapping chica; the red ball; hetero, needy boys; the trifecta of bar games ass-kicking mp received; fat tire beer; picking up baristas; dropping off housewives; the finn; hockey games with the uninitiated; sammy; trails, stairs, and the cowering paths; singing in the car; walking the canals by christmas light; shaking my tail on 2nd st, picking up the ladies (and their leftovers); gourmet biscuit runs to petco that started with bang and ended with a swede; tossing out the old; shopping for the new; popo action on the first date... followed by popo sister action on the second; the latina drew barrymore (hot and crazy, just like mp likes it); new year's eve (don't drink and text, people); moseying; the list is endless.
currently, the g-ma is trying to talk mp out of jumping from a perfectly good airplane. but, i say go for it; mp is one pf the few people i know can fly. if we can find a puppy-harness and doggy-goggles, i'm in. and we'll have new stories about how mp and i stayed a family.
there are lots of stories still being written. i think that's what's weirdest about the last year. the stories are all different; my life is a choose your own adventure these days. i love it.
i can tell lots of stories that i wouldn't have a year ago. i can tell about pimptress' most wonderful pussy and her yapping chica; the red ball; hetero, needy boys; the trifecta of bar games ass-kicking mp received; fat tire beer; picking up baristas; dropping off housewives; the finn; hockey games with the uninitiated; sammy; trails, stairs, and the cowering paths; singing in the car; walking the canals by christmas light; shaking my tail on 2nd st, picking up the ladies (and their leftovers); gourmet biscuit runs to petco that started with bang and ended with a swede; tossing out the old; shopping for the new; popo action on the first date... followed by popo sister action on the second; the latina drew barrymore (hot and crazy, just like mp likes it); new year's eve (don't drink and text, people); moseying; the list is endless.
currently, the g-ma is trying to talk mp out of jumping from a perfectly good airplane. but, i say go for it; mp is one pf the few people i know can fly. if we can find a puppy-harness and doggy-goggles, i'm in. and we'll have new stories about how mp and i stayed a family.
Lynchings, Frost Bite, Blue Balls, and Clubs
yeah. that's what happens when pimptress and mp go for friday night play time.
i shouldn't complain, though. it's better than saturday night's fat tire-induced karaoke-under-the-covers session.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
That Dirty, Dirty Girl
i caught mp the other day.
you would never believe what filth she was looking at....
i am so terribly ashamed.
if you don't believe me, see the disgusting pornography for yourself.
you would never believe what filth she was looking at....
i am so terribly ashamed.
if you don't believe me, see the disgusting pornography for yourself.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Saturday, December 30, 2006
The Red Ball
bounced back into mp's life.
mp, of course, is back chasing it like an idiot. an idiot savant, but an idiot nonetheless.
the irony is, of course, that if the red ball decided it wanted to play a real game, there would be an mp-shaped hole through the nearest door.
mp has been warned by everyone to be careful.
but... well, it's the sexiest red ball that has ever bounced her way.
mp, of course, is back chasing it like an idiot. an idiot savant, but an idiot nonetheless.
the irony is, of course, that if the red ball decided it wanted to play a real game, there would be an mp-shaped hole through the nearest door.
mp has been warned by everyone to be careful.
but... well, it's the sexiest red ball that has ever bounced her way.
It's Almost Over
i guess the holidays are fun for a while. i got to walk around and look at lights, play with friends, and shop for mp... but i prefer warm days in the sun and trips to the beach. this christmas and new year were a lot less stressful, though. it's amazing how much more fun life is when it's not all about somebody else!
besides, i got my 3lbs of gourmet cookies, new collar, and new car harness. i scored!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
I'm A Chick Magnet
oh, yeah. the ladies love me....
i took mp for an adventure today. we went on campus to return books, paperwork, and timesheets. i like elevators quite a bit, but freshly polished floors are my favorite! afterwards, we went to 2nd st and walked the whole circuit. she was very proud of me since i didn't jump on people, try to get at the food people were eating on the restaurant patios, or bark at other puupies. we went into whiskers, the body shop, and the gap; i liked the banana shower gel, but mp said we did enough damage at bed & bath yesterday. (that is one hell of a sale!)
people love me-- especially women. and a couple of guys... but let's get back to the curvy, good-smelling people. mp found out you don't need match when you've got a haute dog at your side. as a reward, she got me a great new collar & we raided the gourmet cookie bar at petco. while we were there, a scandanavian woman fondled me; if mp gets around to calling her, she can return the favor.
i took mp for an adventure today. we went on campus to return books, paperwork, and timesheets. i like elevators quite a bit, but freshly polished floors are my favorite! afterwards, we went to 2nd st and walked the whole circuit. she was very proud of me since i didn't jump on people, try to get at the food people were eating on the restaurant patios, or bark at other puupies. we went into whiskers, the body shop, and the gap; i liked the banana shower gel, but mp said we did enough damage at bed & bath yesterday. (that is one hell of a sale!)
people love me-- especially women. and a couple of guys... but let's get back to the curvy, good-smelling people. mp found out you don't need match when you've got a haute dog at your side. as a reward, she got me a great new collar & we raided the gourmet cookie bar at petco. while we were there, a scandanavian woman fondled me; if mp gets around to calling her, she can return the favor.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
The Hetero Date
m.p. went on a hetero date last night. yeah, i couldn't believe it, either. i'll pause for your reactions... and... stop. okay, then. here's what happened:
so, the boy in question is an interesting mix. in a rare turn, when "artist" does not mean "unemployed," he is a photographer/constructon worker. carpenter's union card in one hand, bfa in the other. it works. it works particularly well for mp, because she tends to like people who are really good at something. it doesn't matter what it is, as long as they are passionate about it. he's very comfortable with himself, in every way, and mp (swear on my kong) has actually spoken to him on the phone for extended lengths of time without wanting to chew her arm off. no, really-- it's true!
they went to very cool little tapas bar, and he wasn't terribly offended when mp said, "wow our waitress is really cute." although... he did ask later if he would have to wonder if mp would be checking out women whenever they went out. mp promptly told him that she would be, and he laughed and said, "well, now i don't have to wonder." always a good sign.
he waited a whopping 7 hours after they said good bye to ask mp out again.
then again, this was his view for the evening:
eh, don't be too impressed, the top had a lot more room once the bra came off.
so, the boy in question is an interesting mix. in a rare turn, when "artist" does not mean "unemployed," he is a photographer/constructon worker. carpenter's union card in one hand, bfa in the other. it works. it works particularly well for mp, because she tends to like people who are really good at something. it doesn't matter what it is, as long as they are passionate about it. he's very comfortable with himself, in every way, and mp (swear on my kong) has actually spoken to him on the phone for extended lengths of time without wanting to chew her arm off. no, really-- it's true!
they went to very cool little tapas bar, and he wasn't terribly offended when mp said, "wow our waitress is really cute." although... he did ask later if he would have to wonder if mp would be checking out women whenever they went out. mp promptly told him that she would be, and he laughed and said, "well, now i don't have to wonder." always a good sign.
he waited a whopping 7 hours after they said good bye to ask mp out again.
then again, this was his view for the evening:
eh, don't be too impressed, the top had a lot more room once the bra came off.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
A New Technique
i've convinced mp to try a new way of picking up girls.
tomorrow, she's gonnaa take a bucket of kfc and hang out in front of lane giant, uh, bryant.
i'll let you know how it goes.
tomorrow, she's gonnaa take a bucket of kfc and hang out in front of lane giant, uh, bryant.
i'll let you know how it goes.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Pimptress Wants to Know...
what sammy looks like.
she also wants to let me watch--
she just doesn't know it yet.
don't worry, baby, i'm far less pervy than mp.
she also wants to let me watch--
she just doesn't know it yet.
don't worry, baby, i'm far less pervy than mp.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Whaaaa
it's not often that hockey makes me laugh out loud,
but in the ducks game against the lightning, dustin penner (#17)
made me laugh so hard my wiskers got spit on them.
marc denis lost his stick in the second period, and penner scored on him.
denis went and cried like a little bitch to the officials...
and, from the bench, penner yelled out, "Whaaaa."
seriously, if i can get mp to find it on youtube, i'll try to post it--
you have to see it to really get it. penner's road to the nhl
is actually really interesting. google him.
but in the ducks game against the lightning, dustin penner (#17)
made me laugh so hard my wiskers got spit on them.
marc denis lost his stick in the second period, and penner scored on him.
denis went and cried like a little bitch to the officials...
and, from the bench, penner yelled out, "Whaaaa."
seriously, if i can get mp to find it on youtube, i'll try to post it--
you have to see it to really get it. penner's road to the nhl
is actually really interesting. google him.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Sunday, December 03, 2006
A High Puppy is a Nice Puppy
sleeping all the time and ignoring duties? tongue hanging out like a shirt tag?
glassy eyes? inability to concentrate?
does your puppy have a drug problem?
i went back for my last check up on friday. they needed some x-rays of my leg to make sure everything was healed, so i got a little doggy sedation. oh, yes. i wanna be sedated. the x-rays looked good, my leg is healed (even though i still use three most of the time), but-- even better-- i was a lit puppy all afternoon.
my surgeon was dr. peter sebestyen from veterinary surgical specialists in tustin. if you tear, break, or thrash something that needs surgery i highly recommend them. i only bit a couple of people. well, okay, one person (twice), ut they were understanding about my high-maintenance disposition. you don't get this beautiful and then just let anyone touch you, you know! mp was happy because someone was with me 24hrs while i was there, and someone was available anytime by phone if she needed to check up on me at, oh 3am. yeah, she's like that.
the prices were about the same as the other places we called, but that isn't really a huge factor, because mp was not gonna be a cheap bastard when i comes to my health. of course, she's too broke to date much now, so she better meet some people who are used to paper napkins in their fine dining experiences. i'm worth it.
if you want to check out veterinary surgical specialists, go to: www.vssoc.com/index-2.html
there's also pictures of the pretty surgeons and stuff.
speaking of pretty! i have copies of my x-rays that i'll post sometime soon. i'm way too hot to keep those babies quiet.
ugh. speaking of babies. it looks like i'll be getting a little brother next week. he better step in line pretty quick and learn the rules: my house, my person, my rules. we'll see how quickly i train him.
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