"I wonder to myself
Could life ever be sane again?"
there was always a deep, vibrating panic that filled mp when she was going to a concert. the honest truth was, she was always uncertain of how she would fit in the seats. would she have to crawl over people and shove her big ass in their faces as she lumbered by? would she be willing to dance to the songs she really liked, know that parts of her would keep moving long after the beat had stopped?
"Hopes may rise on the Grasmere
But Honey Pie, you're not safe here"
it made her miserable-- and live music is one of her greatest passions. oh, poor mp. trapped in her own skin for so long. it was especially bad at places like the hollywood bowl; with bench seating, there are no side arms to pin flubber so that it doesn't roll into other people's space. the humiliation killed her. her feelers would be down for days, crushing any excitement she felt about the upcoming show, and the panic that filled her was often so bad that she felt physically ill.
"So you run down
To the safety of the town"
today, mp bought a couple of tickets to the morrissey show. after she got her confirmation, she idly looked at the seating chart and realized they were awesome seats-- and they were aisle seats. in the past, mp always specifically tried to get aisle seats so that she could try to stay out of the way-- so that she could hang off the bench and not take up too much room. her back, ass, thighs, and neck would be in such pain by the end of whatever show they were at that mp would feel like screaming. it was a thing; it was a half-assed attempt to control her surroundings and minimize the humiliation she felt.
"Because the music that they constantly play
It says nothing to me about my life"
as she remembered this, she realized that of the dozens of shows she has lined-up for the summer, not one was purchased with any thought given to seat location, ease of access, or whether or not she will fit. it's not an issue any more- and she'll fit as well as fit in. the panic has finally subsided.
