i love ugly betty.
i do.
it's not just because m.p. thinks america ferrera is hotter than the sun.
it's not because it's lite and fluffy.
it's just...
"Real women snort when they laugh; they've got fat asses, wobbly upper arms, and get pms."
that's why i love ugly betty.
it's real.
...and sometimes it's hard to know what's real when everything around you is changing.
m.p. went on a sorta date last night.
well, she wasn't sure how to define it, and her companion for the evening declared that it was a date. m.p. still wasn't sure, or (since we are still talking about the committmentphobe) wasn't ready to acknowledge it. hours later, as she drove v home, she realized that it had been one of the best dates she had been on in many years. and she doesn't know why.
there was a meeting for coffee that somehow exceeded two hours in a blink. that segued into dinner, which lasted close to another two hours. m.p. would have sworn it had only been 20 minutes. her nervous-talking-thing (which she freely owns) was appreciated for the good natured banter that it is, and v made her feel as comfortable as if she had known m.p. for years. all of this came crashing down as m.p. dropped her companion off with hug.
as she drove away, she realized that she actually wants to see v again.
how scary is that?
the casual meeting somehow stretched into an evening. and the evening somehow flipped into desire. real desire. not "well, i want someone to hang out with" need. not "oh, she's ok, but there's better" want. not "hmmm, she's ok" interest. m.p. drove away wanting her. thinking about her. desiring her.
that has not happened more than 3 or 4 times in her life.
will they go out again? who knows. v spoke about future dates; they did the good night/thanks for the evening text after the date ended. but these things change with distance, time, and life. what is certain was that last night was real. all of my person was exposed, and the interest was still mutual. as the night flowed, m.p. realized that the insecurities she felt from the past needed to stay there, because others had no idea of what she felt insecure about. they don't see the 400# oaf that m.p. still feels like. they don't see a fat wall. according to the last couple of dates, they see charm, wit, and a great smile.
m.p. realized that she no longer stood out unless she caused herself to...
and she is no longer invisible.
and (scariest of all) she realized that she is still capable of feeling something real.
