there are days when you are sorry that you decided to wear cookie monster panties.
a date that was supposed to be casual and fun ends up being casual and really fun. kissing leads to touching; touching leads to spooning.... and just before spooning can lead to forking, you remember that you decided to wear cookie monster underwear when you left the house. then you have a problem, because it can go either way. she will either laugh and ask you to wear your bert and ernies for the next date, or she can back away and wonder if you have a bedroom decorated straight out of highlights magazine.
so, while you may really want to make the run from 3rd and slide across the plate (the beautifully waxed, slippery plate), it is often a prudent move to wait and see what the next at bat will bring. wear adult underwear. at least for the first time. then bust out with all the "cheeky monkey" 3D-eared chonies you want. there is no shame in waiting with a good lead off base.
other times, it's just better to strikeout looking.
just hold steady, and watch the date fly by. don't blink; don't move, lest it be misinterpreted. hold very still; play dead. she might nuzzle you a little to make sure you don't need to be eaten-- but as long as you don't flinch, she will probably walk away. scenarios where this is appropriate? anytime she shows up for a date wearing stretchy pants. combine stretchy pants with sneakers, and you are allowed to fake your own death.
another situation that warrants a purely defensive position? overt hypocracy and sloth. girls that have had a bypass and proceed to wolf down more food than an nfl linebacker are disturbing because of the complete lack of self-awareness. seriously, it's ok if you're fat. it's ok if you aren't. it's ok if you diet. it's ok if you don't. but it is never acceptable to have a bypass surgery without making an attempt at changing eating habits and then continuing to eat like a rock star. rock stars at least have the added benefit of meth. perhaps that combo would have been better than having your stomache stapled so that you could see if two pieces of birthday cake really would fit in the pouch... hold your swing; you've been matched against someone who plays in a different league.
