when my person first went back to school, she would never have been able to predict where she would be three years later. it was a long journey-- that's for sure. not all of the changes were good. the person she loved died and was reincarnated as a... well, not a nice person. she lost her stability, her happiness, and (for a while) the will to live. she learned what it feels like to live a lifetime movie of the week.
but, you know what? she survived. we survived-- together. sure, i look like i got run over by a bus full of drag queens, but pink is festive. and, yeah, my person will be in debt for a while, but i'm willing to pull some fishnets up over my stump and tramp on out to the dog park to help. we're a team.
the biggest differene is in my person, on my person.
when she went back to school three years ago, she was 400lbs. it was pretty much a given that she would be the biggest person in any class. it was hard for her to get around campus, since everthing is on a hill-- and, let's face it, even when it wasn't on a hill, it was no picnic. when she would finally get to her class, there was the desk issue. white or blue.
the white desks were more stable and slightly, very slightly, larger than the blue desks. she truly could not fit in the blue desks. but there was often only one or two white desks available. if these were taken, she would have to kind of... lean in sideways and half hang out of her desk-- hoping nothing broke. her ass and thighs would go numb. she was humiliated, because as casual as she tried to appear, everyone knew. it was almost enough to make her quit.
instead, she missed as many classes as possible without failing.
sometimes the white desks would be available, but stuck in the back of the room, between rows of normal people. my person could fit down those rows-- sideways, brushing against others, hoping she would not have to step over backpacks that were too large. being that big really fucks with the coordination and balance, and (let's face it) my person has never been particularly graceful. so, she would often feel bitter self loathing boiling up as she chose whatever desk was easiest to get to, and then suffer physically and emotionally for the next 100 minutes.
to avoid this, she tried to get to campus early whenever possible so she could stake out the right desk and move it around if neccessary so that she was on an outside aisle. my person spent 2 years on an outside aisle. this system did nothing for her second or third class in the day when she was usually puffing in a few minutes late because it took her forever to get across campus. she actually would arrange her schedule whenever possible so that she was in the same building from class to class, not out of laziness, but embarrassment at huffing and puffing in front of 40 other people who knew all she had done was walk from one building to another.
even when she could get one, the white desks were no picnic. her stomache still had to be arranged so that the table part didn't cut into her too badly. her thighs were still mashed up under the top, pushed and packed by too much ass. it was horrible. and it killed her a little bit every day. but she went, because she wanted to be able to offer someone else the world.
now, she lives for herself and for me. i won't detail how my person made the changes in her life; i've done that in other places.
my person starts her last quarter on wednesday. she is not going back thin; she is still fat. but she is 160lbs lighter than when she started. she does not need to worry about what desk, or where. she does not have to feel ashamed about being out of breath, because even if it does happen, she recognizes that the exertion is good for her-- and she does it in the gym, on purpose, 4 days a week. she does not take it for granted that she will be the fattest person in the room, but she does not look to capitalize on the misery of others. she knows that even when her education ends, her transformation will continue. and that is what keeps her light, inside and out.
my person feels good about herself, and she is looking good to others because of it. most importantly, she has picked up an invaluable education over the last 3 years. the masters degree will be nice; hopefully, she'll get to do a job that makes her feel fulfilled. the real education, however, was obtained through 2 years of misery at home and 3 years of perseverance at school. she has learned that she deserves only the best, because she is the best. she has learned that she can do things on her own, but a little help should always be accepted, because a lack of humility is the sign of the truly weak. she has learned that the physical self is as important as the mental self-- despite what people who don't want that to be true try to argue. she has learned that she is attractive to other people as long as she is in love with herself.
she does not need to live on the aisle anymore. she does not need to pick a desk for how it fits her....
now she can choose to be where she wants to be and not just languish where she thinks she will fit in.
