mp made an important decision yesterday.
she's had a secret for seven months. seven months as of today.
every time she feels happy, the memory of this secret pops into her head and poisons her from the inside out.
the secret has taken over her dreams.
the secret has shredded her heart.
the secret is coming out.
people who want to hurt others can do so in a number of ways.
they can treat you badly. they can manipulate you. they can hit you.
and sometimes it doesn't end there.
for 2 years, mp was humiliated by how much damage she allowed the ex to do to her.
she was even more humiliated by the fact that, when the ex decided to play martyr, mp stayed mute because of some ridiculous loyalty/love bullshit.
seven months ago today, the ex did the worst thing she could think of to mp, and my person just dropped her head a little bit more and took it. she felt rage, and hurt, and frustration, and disbelief... but she took it.
yesterday, as mp drove home from class, she couldn't get the sounds and smells and sights of that afternoon out of her head.
she found herself crying and repeating "you broke me" to thin air. why?
because she had swallowed the blame and guilt rather than speak when she could be heard.
the ex taunted mp with what she had done to her. repeatedly.
the whole situation was so surreal that my person didn't know what to do.
and then, 3 weeks ago, she was assigned to help someone doing their thesis on this very topic. and as she looked over the statistics, she realized that she was not alone. she was not alone in being victimized; she was not alone in her silence.
she was not alone in the overwhelming pain and constant suffering at the memories.
when mp broke down crying yesterday, she realized that she could speak. and even though it is emabarrassing, even though it is humiliating, it is the right thing to do.
someone asked if my person's choice of cookie monster panties was some sort of weird chastity belt.
the true answer is that it is. for the last 7 months, mp has been completely celibate. she isn't even down with herself.
she can't imagine putting herself in that position again-- the thought of it makes her feel physically ill. the feeling of someone else touching her hair makes her want to cry.
mp stayed silent because she had all of these conflicting feeling. she still felt love for the person she remembered from a long time ago. she couldn't wrap her head around how someone could do something so horrible to her. she couldn't get the weight of embarrassment off of her chest. the thing is, the weight of what happened grows heavier every day. it grows fat on the anguish it causes mp, and it is smothering her alive. my person has to make a choice:
keep explaining away the actions of someone she thought loved her, or be heard to try to unburden herself of that weight.
my person has an appointment to speak tomorrow.
i know it will not be easy.
but it's a step towards getting herself back.
