it still amazes me how much someone can change. maybe it isn't so much that they change as they can no longer conceal their true selves. it amazes me how painful it is... to love someone still, so totally, and yet know that they are unworthy, undeserving, and horrible. it amazes me how painful it is to have to admit that someone who is loved is, inside, a truly horrible person.
it amazes me that people can lie so much that they begin to believe their own stories. it amazes me that someone would throw away unconditional love in order to get attention from people who do not care about them. it amazes me that, after two years of lies and pain, i can still be amazed.
yet here i am.
my puppy feelers still droop at the thoughts-- especially the good ones, because they make the bad memories even harder to believe. how can those actions have been real? surely the fake person, the horrible person, the lying person was just all part of a dream....
i struggle to wake up sometimes, and it is like i am treading molasses.... and then i realize that the dream is real. i actually know someone so desperate for any kind of attention that she would shit all over the one person who genuine cared for her, about her. i realize that she already knows what she lost, and that she will continue to make any situation she can worse-- because without chaos she feels nothing.
and it still amazes me.
i don't know how long it will take for her to feel the pain. i don't know how long it will take for her to realize the price she has paid for "acceptance." i do know that one day it will come. and i feel bad for her, despite my own pain. and that amazes me most of all.
