thanks for the support... all of you.
this is probably the most painful time of my life. i know i am using mf as an additional coping mechanism, but i think it's better than just using bad foods or alcohol. to be honest, the reason i haven't been drinking (and god knows i have reason to drink) is mf. i feel like if i can heal my heart, and spirit, and body -- all at the same time -- i might actually manage to walk away from this period.
i know it puts too much importance on certain areas, but i really do not know how else to cope. i worry about so much. i am conflcted about so much. sometimes micro-managing my weight allows me to feel like i do have some control.
yeah, i'll deal with that eating disorder when i get to it. because, really, i wouldn't be here if i didn't have one.
i realize that i still look in the mirror and see the 400lb woman that i was 3 years ago. all of my pants fall off of me, but i cannot buy new ones yet. the thought of making a size final has too many implications right now. i'll wait, hopefully skip a size, and then buy a couple of pairs and hope to need to go shopping again soon.
but the body dismorphia is incredible.
ok, enough of that. i return you to your regular programming.
