You Talkin' to Me?

this was on our desk when we came into work.



i think someone is trying to tell mp something.
ah, finals week... and the smell of flop sweat and fear.

Hello, Hello

it kind of reminds me of the time mp was wandering through kaiser and came across this.

Gay Guy Advice #1

the salesman at the body shop was very enthusiastic about one of their products. as he gestured with it, slapped it into his hand, and swung it back and forth lightly, he said, "oh, my gosh! this is like the most relaxing thing ever. i swear, i've never felt anything so good."



i wonder if the name describes the massager... or what that guy was massaging with it...

Location, Location, Location

our realtor thinks the pea is "incredibly beautiful."

we just think we're lucky because we get hillside property -- at the beach.

Lime Green, Lime Green and Tangerine

my playful, d.u.m., oblivious person was talking to the pea around an hour after gay marriages became actively legal. so, in true mp style, she jokingly asked the pea, "wanna get married?" i don't think the pea had even finished saying "i would marry you," before the jetwash of my fleeing person wooshed away the sound.

Countdown

it's 8 days, 2 hours, and 2 minutes until season ticket upgrade! sweet! mp is going to score us some awesome seats for the fall's date-a-thon. actually, the chickapea has become our best hockey girl, so we'll probably have her go with us and help choose locations. after all, she'll be the one getting groped in those seats-- at least most of the time.

the great house hunt is also heating up. i'm pretty glad we waited for property instead of buying a condo. i can't wait to tear it up in my personal dog park.

Come Back or Hand Off?

does anyone else feel like the celts toyed with the lakers so that they could go back to boston and win it all at home? nah... that would be crazy. crazy, like repeated give-ways by a team that had eaten up a huge lead in the last two quarters....

Alley-Oops

the celts came damn close to blowing a 20 point lead in the final minutes of game 2. they got a little cocky. maybe they saw eddie johnson's play before their game...

luckily "whine-like-a-bitch" (when he isn't busy ignoring the word "no") bryant is going home down 2 games.

That's Just Nuts

my squirrel friend is a a huge futbol fan, so we decided to chill on the new deck with a couple of frosty paws and watch the usa v argentina "friendly" re-match. i didn't know that there are "out" players on the us team. i was so excited at the 50-minute mark, when eddie johnson reached in on javier mascherano and yanked on a handful of argentine junk. it turns out that johnson is aptly named. i guess "the future of usa soccer" is either a real dick or truly all about balls.

when masche got sent off later on, he wasn't trying to injure anyone with his spikes-up slide. he was just getting used to the extra three inches of hang johnson gave him.

The Strings of Addiction

mp was arrested last night. the police confiscated her laptop and found all kinds of... god. i can't even believe it... fuzz pornography. christ, what an embarrassment. she told me the movies she watched online were educational films.

A People's History

rosalyn zinn, wife of howard zinn, died. it seems only fitting to include all of the headlines for the day.



this puppy can only hope that the name zinn still means something when i am forgotten.

Wabbit Season! Duck Season!

the wings won the cup. it's time for hockey withdrawals... again.

the bright side is that it's almost time to choose season seats!

go ducks!

REM State

the yellow shuttle broke down on the way to the REM concert at the bowl. before the drive began, mp told the chickapea that she didn't want to ride the short yellow bus because it would cause flash backs; the woman across from them said something about jet blue. 30 minutes later, they were stuck on the side of the 710, drinking and laughing hysterically with the other eight people who had joined the troublemakers club at the back of the bus. it was one of the best tailgate parties-- ever. by the time they got to the bowl, modest mouse was about to start their set and mp had a number for the cute, chubby "straight" girl in the "back-back."

inside the bowl, it looked like an aarp convention. mp has been to CSN&Y concerts with less wrinkles. it actually took an hour or so before the doobie-doobie-doo covered the intoxicating blend of polyester and flexall 44.

The Long Butt of the Law

chp called mp and asked to meet for coffee. mp immediately flahed back to a conversation she'd had with pimptress only a few weeks before.

PIMPTRESS: you're still fucking firegirl?
MP: uh...
PIMPTRESS: chp is going to kill you. really. the woman carries a gun. she is going to shoot you dead.

mp told chp that she was really booked and had to be at work early since it's finals week. everyone that knows mp knows that she has various "pimpy's"-- the original pimpy's, pimpy jr's, pimpy light, mc pimpy's, work pimpy's, and old lady pimpy's-- where there's a barrista that's in her 60's that loves her some mp. when she sees mp, she gives her a spank, a wink, and a free venti drip.

hey, it's an arrangement that works for them both....

chp, of course, showed up at mp's "office" and was waiting when mp strolled in for her morning drip and smack on the ass from the old lady barrista. in her head, mp heard pimptress' voice, "she gonna shoot you dead. ha-ha." firegirl dumped chp and told her it was because chp was too skinny and high maintenance. firegirl apparently lost it and told chp that she didn't know what her problem was-- it was impossible to have a stick up her ass, because the stick would be wider.

chp was devastated, and mp was appalled by firegirl's personal attack. of course, this totally cleared up what firegirl sees in mp... i digress.

chp spent 15 minutes moaning and fishing for compliments. eventually, mp told her she was curvy, sexy and wonderful. well...
she is sexy.

when chp asked about her "stick ass," mp toed around the subject, then finally looked into those big gray eyes and said, "she's crazy. it's practically a ghetto booty." mp is the worst liar in the world, but chp was happy. when they got in line for refills, mp looked at chp from behind and started thinking about going into acting.

Framed

poor doofus.
she's kinda goofy, sweet, and dumb...
and she totally just got blamed for mp's trip to the cheese slicer.
nana even threw her outside for being so stinky.
that's funny!

Dreaming of the East Coast

for the first (and likely only) time, i wish i lived on the east coast.
the nhl eastern conference finals are set:
pittsburg vs philadelphia.

those games are going to be insane.

Little Bee

little bee on my pillow...
mp calls me lillybee sometimes.
little bee on my pillow...
i'm sorry i ate you.
well, no i'm not...
you tried to defend yourself and were eviscerated.
there's got to be a metaphor in there somewhere...

tonight, when i poop, i'll think of you.
and i'll declare to all:
here lies little bee...
warrior.
tasted good with dip.

Under Dogs Rule

de la hoya is a douche... for a variety of reasons. when mp first met him in 2002, during the gala for his boxeo de oro, she thought he was caught in the throes of pugialistic dementia. no. he's just a douche. a douche with a knack for using monetary settlements to make unseemly things go away.

even though he didn't win, i like steve forbes.

there's a lot of fight in that dog.

Afternoons

12:45pm: wake up; lick butt; remember peanut butter cookies i ate the night before
12:46pm: look for more peanut butter cookies
12:47pm: give up search for pb cookies; lick ass again
12:51pm: realize that butt is no substitute for actual cookies; beg nana for some more
1:23pm: continue begging; use both ears to manipulate
1:32pm: curse nana for not giving me more than one cookie

1:34pm: bark like mad at ups driver
1:46pm: get last word in as UPS driver leaves the area
1:47pm: lay in front of the door to keep watch over the neighborhood
2:12pm: suntan turn-over time
2:56pm: drink water; decide to test stability of bowl; step in water
2:57pm: complain that something is in my water
3:04pm: drink from fresh water
3:05pm: decide to test stability of bowl...again

3:08pm: get tired of nan yelling at me; go outside to find some birds
3:11pm: hit back wall for the 5th time
3:12pm: tell birds they will be mine
3:47pm: try to reason with birds
4:02pm: conspire with squirell friend to perform sneak attack on birds
4:26pm: disgusted with squirell friend's inability to stop eating the seeds in bird food long enough to carry out mission
4:35pm: nap

Mornings

4:00am: wake up; french mp; realize i now have all the blankets; lounge
5:00am: pretend to go outside to please mp
5:15am: kiss my person goodbye
5:18am: kiss my person goodbye after she comes back for her bag
5:20am: kiss my person (and her phone) goodbye for real
5:21am: take nap number 1

9:00am: curse at nana when she makes me go outside
9:02am: pee
9:05am: create sculpture
9:08am: chastize neighbors for sleeping in
9:09am: duck
9:10am: tell neighbors they missed

9:11am: run; bark like hell
9:56am: try to remember what i'm barking about
10:30am: mail truck arrives; paroxisms of fury begin
11:15am: mail truck leaves
11:16am: take nap number 2