That's Hot, Part 2

why they gotta take an amazing ass and put it in pants that make it look like firegirl wears a diaper?

One Of Them Needs More Lipstick

in this case, i think doofus way outclasses the competition.

The Defense Rests

what girl hasn't been caught dragging her person's panties through the house? what girl hasn't used the airbed as a trampoline and accidentally wiped out a shelf full of lotions and makeup? who, i ask, who is innocent of the occasional late night refrigerator raid? if mp doesn't want her cheese chewed open in the middle of the night, she should get a fridge with a lock.

however, i am a wonderful puppy compared to these guys.








see more here.

Knock, Knock...

oh, dear god. it's republican honesty!

i guess a live mike is an honest mike.

This Is What Love Is

knowing that del martin died a married woman makes me sit a little straighter, a little prouder.

2012

there will be some huge changes for the 2012 olympics.

thanks to angel matos, taekwondo-- already on the verge of being eliminated from the games-- will be history.



on the other hand, he has a strong shot at medalling if world-class douche becomes a category.

12 Proof Outlaw

it started innocently enough. i went for a walk with mp and met some of our potential neighbors. there are some very hot girls in the lbc, and there are some very friendly pups. seriously though, you should at least ask before you stick your nose in someone's crotch. that goes for the dogs, too.

we met a nice lady. i'll call her gladys, because i can't remember her real name, but she wore these cool 50's style glittery glasses and laughed like a truck stop waitress-- all snort and fluttering breast. gladys is a licensed electrician and general contractor that found her true love after getting her degree in architecture at usc. she's a good girl to know. she also likes an occasional brew on her front porch after work.

this, of course, is where i come in.

while mp was talking to gladys, i roamed around the porch, being sure to make sure mp was firmly attached to her leash. if i let that one run loose, she tends to jump on people and slobber all over them, so i keep her in line.

i moseyed over to this interesting bench that gladys had designed. inside the lid, there were blankets and cushions for her porch swing... and beer. beer that were kept cold by the refrigeration system gladys had built into the bench. it was like puppy nirvana, and what better way is there to show love but to climb in and get down with the blankets and beer?

it took me a while to figure out that the metal containers can be bitten open, but i didn't want to interrupt mp and her new playmate....

when they found me, i was soaked and a little tipsy, but let me tell you: that is the best porch in all of long beach. i highly recommend everyone give it a visit.

Best Blog-- Ever

squirrels getting down and nutty.

DMB Day

it's dave matthews day, but we're sad.



goodbye, leroi.

Wild Donkeys Await

Putting the Blah-g Out

mp has too much going on for any worthwhile adventures. well, except for the naked water polo tournament, but that's something that would need to be documented with a wide-angle lens, and i don't have one of those.

fire girl wants the world to know that she's not "illurterate" (she is), and that she doesn't shower when the guys do (she does). so. now you know. she also wants to sell a 2006 mini cooper s. i told her that that kind of information belongs on a different site, but she insists that since mp and i have both rolled around in it, the car is a creepy collector's item.

i suggested she get the interior detailed and downplay that connection.

Dear Mr Cash

please stop buying our houses.

some of us have to finance.

don't be a douche.

thank you.

You Talkin' to Me?

this was on our desk when we came into work.



i think someone is trying to tell mp something.
ah, finals week... and the smell of flop sweat and fear.

Hello, Hello

it kind of reminds me of the time mp was wandering through kaiser and came across this.

Gay Guy Advice #1

the salesman at the body shop was very enthusiastic about one of their products. as he gestured with it, slapped it into his hand, and swung it back and forth lightly, he said, "oh, my gosh! this is like the most relaxing thing ever. i swear, i've never felt anything so good."



i wonder if the name describes the massager... or what that guy was massaging with it...

Location, Location, Location

our realtor thinks the pea is "incredibly beautiful."

we just think we're lucky because we get hillside property -- at the beach.

Lime Green, Lime Green and Tangerine

my playful, d.u.m., oblivious person was talking to the pea around an hour after gay marriages became actively legal. so, in true mp style, she jokingly asked the pea, "wanna get married?" i don't think the pea had even finished saying "i would marry you," before the jetwash of my fleeing person wooshed away the sound.

Countdown

it's 8 days, 2 hours, and 2 minutes until season ticket upgrade! sweet! mp is going to score us some awesome seats for the fall's date-a-thon. actually, the chickapea has become our best hockey girl, so we'll probably have her go with us and help choose locations. after all, she'll be the one getting groped in those seats-- at least most of the time.

the great house hunt is also heating up. i'm pretty glad we waited for property instead of buying a condo. i can't wait to tear it up in my personal dog park.

Come Back or Hand Off?

does anyone else feel like the celts toyed with the lakers so that they could go back to boston and win it all at home? nah... that would be crazy. crazy, like repeated give-ways by a team that had eaten up a huge lead in the last two quarters....

Alley-Oops

the celts came damn close to blowing a 20 point lead in the final minutes of game 2. they got a little cocky. maybe they saw eddie johnson's play before their game...

luckily "whine-like-a-bitch" (when he isn't busy ignoring the word "no") bryant is going home down 2 games.

That's Just Nuts

my squirrel friend is a a huge futbol fan, so we decided to chill on the new deck with a couple of frosty paws and watch the usa v argentina "friendly" re-match. i didn't know that there are "out" players on the us team. i was so excited at the 50-minute mark, when eddie johnson reached in on javier mascherano and yanked on a handful of argentine junk. it turns out that johnson is aptly named. i guess "the future of usa soccer" is either a real dick or truly all about balls.

when masche got sent off later on, he wasn't trying to injure anyone with his spikes-up slide. he was just getting used to the extra three inches of hang johnson gave him.

The Strings of Addiction

mp was arrested last night. the police confiscated her laptop and found all kinds of... god. i can't even believe it... fuzz pornography. christ, what an embarrassment. she told me the movies she watched online were educational films.

A People's History

rosalyn zinn, wife of howard zinn, died. it seems only fitting to include all of the headlines for the day.



this puppy can only hope that the name zinn still means something when i am forgotten.

Wabbit Season! Duck Season!

the wings won the cup. it's time for hockey withdrawals... again.

the bright side is that it's almost time to choose season seats!

go ducks!

REM State

the yellow shuttle broke down on the way to the REM concert at the bowl. before the drive began, mp told the chickapea that she didn't want to ride the short yellow bus because it would cause flash backs; the woman across from them said something about jet blue. 30 minutes later, they were stuck on the side of the 710, drinking and laughing hysterically with the other eight people who had joined the troublemakers club at the back of the bus. it was one of the best tailgate parties-- ever. by the time they got to the bowl, modest mouse was about to start their set and mp had a number for the cute, chubby "straight" girl in the "back-back."

inside the bowl, it looked like an aarp convention. mp has been to CSN&Y concerts with less wrinkles. it actually took an hour or so before the doobie-doobie-doo covered the intoxicating blend of polyester and flexall 44.

The Long Butt of the Law

chp called mp and asked to meet for coffee. mp immediately flahed back to a conversation she'd had with pimptress only a few weeks before.

PIMPTRESS: you're still fucking firegirl?
MP: uh...
PIMPTRESS: chp is going to kill you. really. the woman carries a gun. she is going to shoot you dead.

mp told chp that she was really booked and had to be at work early since it's finals week. everyone that knows mp knows that she has various "pimpy's"-- the original pimpy's, pimpy jr's, pimpy light, mc pimpy's, work pimpy's, and old lady pimpy's-- where there's a barrista that's in her 60's that loves her some mp. when she sees mp, she gives her a spank, a wink, and a free venti drip.

hey, it's an arrangement that works for them both....

chp, of course, showed up at mp's "office" and was waiting when mp strolled in for her morning drip and smack on the ass from the old lady barrista. in her head, mp heard pimptress' voice, "she gonna shoot you dead. ha-ha." firegirl dumped chp and told her it was because chp was too skinny and high maintenance. firegirl apparently lost it and told chp that she didn't know what her problem was-- it was impossible to have a stick up her ass, because the stick would be wider.

chp was devastated, and mp was appalled by firegirl's personal attack. of course, this totally cleared up what firegirl sees in mp... i digress.

chp spent 15 minutes moaning and fishing for compliments. eventually, mp told her she was curvy, sexy and wonderful. well...
she is sexy.

when chp asked about her "stick ass," mp toed around the subject, then finally looked into those big gray eyes and said, "she's crazy. it's practically a ghetto booty." mp is the worst liar in the world, but chp was happy. when they got in line for refills, mp looked at chp from behind and started thinking about going into acting.

Framed

poor doofus.
she's kinda goofy, sweet, and dumb...
and she totally just got blamed for mp's trip to the cheese slicer.
nana even threw her outside for being so stinky.
that's funny!

Dreaming of the East Coast

for the first (and likely only) time, i wish i lived on the east coast.
the nhl eastern conference finals are set:
pittsburg vs philadelphia.

those games are going to be insane.

Little Bee

little bee on my pillow...
mp calls me lillybee sometimes.
little bee on my pillow...
i'm sorry i ate you.
well, no i'm not...
you tried to defend yourself and were eviscerated.
there's got to be a metaphor in there somewhere...

tonight, when i poop, i'll think of you.
and i'll declare to all:
here lies little bee...
warrior.
tasted good with dip.

Under Dogs Rule

de la hoya is a douche... for a variety of reasons. when mp first met him in 2002, during the gala for his boxeo de oro, she thought he was caught in the throes of pugialistic dementia. no. he's just a douche. a douche with a knack for using monetary settlements to make unseemly things go away.

even though he didn't win, i like steve forbes.

there's a lot of fight in that dog.

Afternoons

12:45pm: wake up; lick butt; remember peanut butter cookies i ate the night before
12:46pm: look for more peanut butter cookies
12:47pm: give up search for pb cookies; lick ass again
12:51pm: realize that butt is no substitute for actual cookies; beg nana for some more
1:23pm: continue begging; use both ears to manipulate
1:32pm: curse nana for not giving me more than one cookie

1:34pm: bark like mad at ups driver
1:46pm: get last word in as UPS driver leaves the area
1:47pm: lay in front of the door to keep watch over the neighborhood
2:12pm: suntan turn-over time
2:56pm: drink water; decide to test stability of bowl; step in water
2:57pm: complain that something is in my water
3:04pm: drink from fresh water
3:05pm: decide to test stability of bowl...again

3:08pm: get tired of nan yelling at me; go outside to find some birds
3:11pm: hit back wall for the 5th time
3:12pm: tell birds they will be mine
3:47pm: try to reason with birds
4:02pm: conspire with squirell friend to perform sneak attack on birds
4:26pm: disgusted with squirell friend's inability to stop eating the seeds in bird food long enough to carry out mission
4:35pm: nap

Mornings

4:00am: wake up; french mp; realize i now have all the blankets; lounge
5:00am: pretend to go outside to please mp
5:15am: kiss my person goodbye
5:18am: kiss my person goodbye after she comes back for her bag
5:20am: kiss my person (and her phone) goodbye for real
5:21am: take nap number 1

9:00am: curse at nana when she makes me go outside
9:02am: pee
9:05am: create sculpture
9:08am: chastize neighbors for sleeping in
9:09am: duck
9:10am: tell neighbors they missed

9:11am: run; bark like hell
9:56am: try to remember what i'm barking about
10:30am: mail truck arrives; paroxisms of fury begin
11:15am: mail truck leaves
11:16am: take nap number 2

Every Day is Our Birthday!

PEA: you realize that if you put that picture back up, you're never putting my face on there.
MP: totally okay with that.
PEA: ....
MP: i mean... uh...
PEA: that's exactly what you mean.



that slinky, snug wrap dress pops open like the world's best present when mp tugs the string.

i just beg them to pop in a dvd and put a blanket on the couch for me whenever that damn thing comes out of the closet.

Customer Service

the pea is a corporate trainer for brandX, and convinced mp to switch to that brand when she bought her last all-in-one. the transition has not been seamless.

MP: stupid brandX
PEA: aw. if i come over, i can fix it for you....
MP: no. i only switched from hp because you said so!
PEA: aw. brandX is the best on the market.
MP: brandX can blow me
PEA: uh, they kind of already are

One Night with the Pea

*** insert obscene comments here.























*** seriously. this was parked out front when they got home.






















***i would like to formally state the the pea loves frilly little v.s. panties with matching bras and the occassional garter belt/stockings combo. mp, however, gets the random hard-on for granny panties.




















the pea and i are trying to get her into therapy for this terrible lapse in otherwise impeccable taste.

The Shallow End of the Gene Pool

i'm not sure if jonathan roy is truly a douche in his own right or if it's just daddy's influence. on one hand, he attacks a guy not doing anything to defend himself; on the other hand, look at the other red jerseys (coached by daddy) breaking the code and hitting guys while they're on the ice. perhaps, in a true nod to the Roy family's genes, the remparts le quebec massengills.

B____ Boy

i was scrolling through a blog devoted to obscure superheroes, and i stumbled across "blockade boy." once again, i was reminded of the true nature of comics....

muscular, attractive men in tights...
taking "boys" as their proteges-- in tights, of course...
then going to secret locations where there were other muscular men in tights...
with some vaguely plausible excuse for their actions.

this pane from "blockade boy"





























































says a lot more when it doesn't "say" anything.




at least there was a brief prison reference to set the mood.

I'll Cho You

we took the pea to see margaret cho at the orpheum last night. mp says it was the best routine's ever-- from anne coulter as cunta kinte to her tales of the vagina.

me, i was still thinking about the moment when mp and the pea sat down.... a woman in the group behind them took off her sweater, leaving her in a tank (no bra); the extra-gay man behind mp said, "nice tits, loraine." mp's head jerked around like a voodoo doll in the hands of an angry ex. a different woman in the group said (completely serious), "oh, is your name loraine, too?" and the pea just sighed and replied, "no... no... she just heard "nice tits."

yep. that's my girl.

Mono-Log

month two: when mp says "ich bin ein berliner," she actually means it.

Always Trying To Keep a Cookie Monster Down

Hey, Eye Contact!

the pea says they're never going to speak, so mp needs to start making eye contact with something higher. mp says she's just trying to figure out how the pea stands upright.

This is Passion

sid is great, but ove brings something that cannot be learned-- yet can be transfered to 17,000 strangers with a hockey smile and a fist pump.

Cleopuptra: International Dog of Mystery

it looks like mp is taking her chickapea to my person's favorite place on earth!
she damn well better take me, or i'll crap in all of her shoes.

i swear to god, i'll do it.

"Huh, what? Oh, yes, I'll have the coffee cake."

MP: sorry i fell asleep on you last night.

CHICKAPEA: actually, it was so cute! you kept waking up and blowing me kisses, and caressing me... then fall asleep....

MP: that was cute?

CHICKAPEA: it really was. then you'd fall asleep and wake up and kiss me... it was like you really wanted to be with me-- you just couldn't stay awake. it was charming.

MP: huh. so, basically, i slipped into a mono-induced coma, came out long enough to paw you, and then passed out again. what was charming about that?

CHICKAPEA: well, at least i was still willing to sleep with you before your version.

Get a Room!

mp took the chickapea to see the hotel cafe tour at the anaheim house of blues last night. it was a sweet show, and i strongly suggest that anyone who loves live music catches it.



last night was highlighted by the always charismatic ingrid michaelson. mp is biased, because she is well-know for loving her some ingrid, but i truly don't get why i.m. is not a household name. (these first two clips were from the 3/6 show, and last night was much stronger.)



as her closer, i.m. busted out some "fresh" material:



get a room on the hotel cafe tour. mp and her chickapea will be rockin' out when the tour stops at the fonda next month.

Make Mischief!

the pea wants to go on vacation with mp in two weeks.
maybe we'll take her to our favorite place.

in the meantime, mp is so stoked that where the wild things are is being released as a movie in 2009, that she keeps jumping out at me from around corners and the top of our bed.



i don't know how i became the adult in this relationship.

Alegria

it's time, it's time!
mp is back to abut 75%.
let the carousing begin!

Dear Boston Bruins...

it's 5:45pm, 8:45 where you are. the second period has just ended, and i can barely watch as the capitols work you over like the new inmate in gen-pop.
8-2.
i want to reach out to the screen, take your hand and lead you to the shower so you can scrub the shame away... but all i can do is offer a little something to make the third period a little easier.


* final score: 10-2

i hope ovechkin gave thomas a kiss before he hit the shower

Groawer, Ducks, Groawer

“Watching our team come together is like watching a bear wake up at the zoo. He shakes his arms out and he shakes his legs out, and it’s a process. But when he’s awake, he’s a bear.” -- Anaheim GM Brian Burke


now, if i can just get mp out of the cave.
eh, i think the pea kind of likes being homo-handled....

after she photoshopped this pic, she did something extraordinary with a shot of the pea's boobs.

I Knew It!

mp said i was crazy, but this proves that i really do hear god when i drink beer.
neighbor's dog, my ass.

It's All Right

It's Okay... Stare

My Sammy!

the first time mp wore her jersey to a game, sammy pahlsson scored the game winner in o.t.

why? 'cause he's freaking awesome!



this from the boc blog says it all.

Happy Birfday to ME!

i'm six! im six!



mp says that i can date in 10 more years...



i guess i won't tell her about scrappy from down the street. seriously; that's homedoggie's name.



mp bought me a ps3 and the chickapea gave me treats! this pup's life is sweet.

Election 08

in the 80's, it was "fritz-n-tits."
in the 90's, "the only bush i trust is my own."
welcome to the 21st century, where it's "bros before hos."

Why the Pea Rocks #2

because even though mp has been laid out with mono, the pea still sends her dirty little love notes every day--
and never mentions the fact that mp probably picked up cooties playing santa last year.
ho ho ho.
instead, she offers to play pirate and wench as soon as mp feels better.
that's our kind of girl.

That's My Girl

trampy mctramperson, in her quest to hook-up with every girl rated 6 or higher, has mono! that should give her co-workers months of material. my favorite moment was when the doctor told her that her spleen was enlarged, so she has to "avoid all contact sports for at least an additional month-- that includes 'boom-boom.'"

It's Not Just MP

as it turns out, i'm smarter that most people.
for example, i didn't vote for bush-- not even the first time. (see how mp met the chickapea.)
i lick my ass every chance i get, because the real golden rule is "do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you."
i have never ridden in, let alone purchased, a kia.
i know that rubin "hurricane" carter is a monster, not a hero.
i understand that if you don't vote, you can't bitch.
and i don't stand at the edge of a fucking tiger enclosure and taunt the animals.